episode IV: a new hope

my allotted two weeks are up.

& because last night
i finally said what i've wanted to say, when i wanted to say it,
i feel relieved.

i am past feeling "fine"

& am doing better.
hopeful.

i am moving forward

& finding refuge in other sources of joy.

love comes & goes,

but i have loved without regrets.

there is a poem that portrays my feelings

in a way i would struggle to convey on my own:

"somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near.

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as spring opens

(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose.

or if your wish be to close me, i &

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: who texture

compels me with the colour of its countries,

rendering death & forever with each breathing.

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

& opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even rain, has such small hands."

-- e. e. cummings  

as i move forward & onward

without regrets, without bitter remorse,

i look forward to molding friendship from past love

& the sprouting blossoms of future loves.

so this is my bidding adieu to this heartbreak,

& welcoming possibility inside.

healing.

life is beautiful.

i choose to see la vie en rose.

ps:  sorry about the following music overload.
i wrote out my favorite application of lyrics for each song to help you out.

"nobody said it was easy.  oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
nobody said it was easy.  no one ever said it would be so hard.  i'm goin' back to the start."

"the sheets are stained with memories of your soft kiss.
now this is all i have: a paper & pen to remember you with."

"a year from now we'll all be gone, all our friends will move away.
& they're going to better places, but our friends will be gone away."

"happy is the heart that still feels pain.
darkness drains & light will come again."

"long may you run although the changes have come.
with your chrome heart shining in the sun long may you run."

"well some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown.
so i've started out for god knows where.  i guess i'll know when i get there."

"summer gone, now winter's on its way.
i will miss the days we had, the days we had."

"pain throws your heart to the ground.  love turns the whole thing around.
fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but i know the heart of life is good."

"but how do i know if i'll make it through?  how do i know, where's the proof in you?
& so it goes. this soldier knows, the battle with the heart isn't easily won.
& so it goes. this soldier knows, the battle with the heart isn't easily won... but it can be won."

"love it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you;  it will set you free.
be more like the man you were made to be."

"i want your warm but it will only make me colder when it's over.  so i can't tonight, baby.
no, not baby anymore.  if i need you i'll just use your simple name.
only kisses on the cheek from now on & in a little while we'll only have to wave."