step, step on a big jet plane

tonight while i was running, i wrote this poem in my head,

while listening to his song on repeat:

(then i came home & made this video & wrote down my poem).

running to mom

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

running.

running towards something.

step, step.

  & away from everything.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

step, step.

wings out-stretched,

step, step.

suddenly you remember.

step, step.

you're almost away.

  & as if by mistake,

you glance back;

one last take.

step.

you see her tears.

you know her fears.

but on your heels you turn,

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

running.

running towards something,

& away from everything.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

back again,

sitting in your seat.

“i'm almost gone.”

you whisper.

step, step.

step, step.

why did you whisper?

step, step.

step, step.

running.

breathe in,

breathe out.

breathe in,

breathe out.

  & siiiiiigh.

step, step.

look how you're soaring.

look how you fly.

step, step.

look at the sky.

step, step.

you see it so bright,

turn purple,

then pink,

then orange,

& red.

step, step.

step, step.

suddenly you remember.

step, step.

you're up, up and away.

  & as if by mistake,

you glanced back;

one last take.

step.

you saw her tears.

you knew her fears.

but on your heels you turned,

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

running towards something.

step, step.

& away from everything.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

you wake again.

  & see the sky.

now, it's night.

step, step.

you siiiigh.

step, step.

you see the clouds,

black and blue.

step, step.

there's nothing there,

not even the moon.

step, step.

step, step.

it's only you.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

suddenly you remember.

step, step.

you've gone, you're away.

step, step.

& not quite by mistake,

you try to glance back;

one last take.

step.

you saw her tears.

you knew her fears.

but on your heels you turned,

running.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

running away from everything.

step, step.

& off towards something.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

you come to a stop,

  & you step

off the plane.

step, step.

wings out-stretched,

you look for a way.

step, step.

suspicious strangers smile,

step, step.

step, step.

you think,

“am i here?

am i free, at least for a while?”

step, step.

you feel lost.

step, step.

step, step.

suddenly you remember.

step, step.

you've gone far away.

step, step.

  & this time,

with no mistake,

you try to glance back;

one last take.

step.

you miss her tears.

you feel her fears.

but on your heels you turned,

step, step.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

"turn around,"

you whisper.

step, step.

'cause now you've found,

that what you're running from

is where you wish you

could run to.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

running.

step, step.

step, step.

step, step.

away from everything,

& off towards something.

step, step.

that one something

that means everything.

step, step. 

step, step.

running.

step, step.

a severe case of nostalgia

destined for greatness: am i a " sherlock holmes" or a "dr. watson"?

tonight i attended the rexburg tabernacle orchestra.  after leaving this beautiful performance, i walked home with much on my mind.  thoughts such as,

"if anyone offers me a ride home, i'll decline the offer saying it's healthy to walk,"

 "...my hair looks better in the rain too."

"if i text my friends more when i don't have facebook, am i really moderating my technological uses?"

"i have a lot of homework to do."

"i'm coming to such great understandings of what it means to be alive & active in this gospel through my family foundations class."

"i need to write these thoughts in my journal."

"i want to be someone who people i look up to, look down at me & say: she's something else."

"something special."

"am i the only one who ever feels as though they are destined to be a person who does great things?"

"maybe not do great things, but be a great person."

"i feel different."

"i have the capacity to understand when something is truly great."

"i am capable of being someone intelligent, with great purpose."

"maybe this is why i try to take on tasks well beyond my ability."

"but how can i become that when i'm stuck doing small things like this?"

"i feel like raskolnikov."

"am i seeing similarities between myself & the superfluous men in these russian novels because they exist, or because i want them to?"

"maybe i'm not a superfluous man;  i'm the noble woman, like tatyana."

"& maybe, i won't be the star in my life.  that will be my husband."

"he will be different & because he is different, he will recognize why i am special."

"he will recognize why i am worth while."

"i'm different."

& then i arrived at my home.  i sat down at my desk & turned on my computer.  as i opened an email my dad sent me, i couldn't help but think,

"this is what i'm talking about."

"i can do these things."

"i just need to work."

then i opened the link he sent too.  & while i watched it, i couldn't help but get a little teary-eyed.

"what this team has done is amazing."

"they are special people."

"they are capable of greatness & they have achieved greatness."

now here i am, left in awe.  & wanting to show you what my dad showed me.  because i don't understand computers/computer history the way my dad does, i'll share with you his words rather than rephrase it myself.

so here's the email from dad:

Kids,

You live in an amazing time.  When I was born, IBM's computers were each as big as a truck, and though they could do little more than add numbers very fast, they changed the world in monumental ways back then.  The internet didn't even exist, let alone facebook or texting.

For years, IBM has used the word "THINK" as their primary motto.  The laptop I use at work is called a "Thinkpad".  The word inspires and reminds their employees of their ultimate goal and purpose.  This past year IBM (a company that started out making mechanical typewriters) finally produced a machine that can do just that, and it rivals the human brain.  By the time you are my age, even more amazing machines may be constructed at the atomic level, being so small that you will need a microscope to see them.  They may be injected inside your body to monitor or repair it.  But they could also be designed to destroy it.  (a real, and deadly, computer virus).  Above all, it's important to remember where these machines came from.  They weren't delivered by aliens.  They weren't dreamed up in a few nights by a few geniuses.  These great accomplishments were made by thousands of very simple people, many of whom are quite smart, but most of whom are not all that different from each of you.

You don't need to be nerds to be great, but you do need to work hard.  You also need to be strong, embrace discipline, and defend right principles -- to ensure that your generation does not destroy or neglect the great things others have achieved before you.  Learn anxiously -- as much as you can.  Be a part of man's great journey to explore his potential.  Follow a vision bigger than yourself, and find your own way to contribute to it.  Your kids someday will benefit by what your generation has done.  And hopefully, they will appreciate and build upon it.

See IBM make history:

one day

i am so excited to have my own mini-library when i have my own place.

barnes & noble is the best place to spend a saturday.

i love books. so far my library consists of:

crime & punishment, eugene onegin, a hero of our time, fathers & children, the inspector general (& other russian plays), the death of ivan illych, family happiness, kruetzer sonata, short stories by chechov, the cherry orchard, one day in the life of ivan denisovich, the queen of spades (& other short stories), anna karenina, notes from underground, the double (& other short stories), the overcoat (& other short stories), the brothers karamazov, the little prince, the last promise, pride & prejudice, emma, the poisonwood bible, ralph waldo emerson (selected essays, lectures, & poems), tales (the poems & short stories by edgar allan poe), the harry potter series, their eyes were watching god, angels & demons, digital fortress, the davinci code, walden, cats cradle, slaughterhouse five, the book of mormon (in russian), the autobiography of a yogi, haiku (a book of japanese poems), grapes of wrath, on the road, leaves of grass, of mice & men & where the wild things are.

today i picked up my package from barnes & noble, adding:

norwegian wood, the catcher in the rye, nine stories (a collection of short stories by j.d. salinger) & east of eden to my list.

до свидания!

"satan also strives to entice the sons and daughters of God to minimize the importance of their physical bodies. this particular type of attack is most subtle and diabolical."

-elder david a. bednar  "things as they really are"

after hearing this talk once again, i've decided to say so long to facebook.

whether this is a temporary parting or not, i'm sick of people only communicating (or looking at my page thinking they're communicating) via facebook.

yeah, yeah, yeah.  i know.  "it's not all bad". 

everything in moderation.

i've been on facebook almost everyday for the past who knows how long, & i think it's time to moderate that worthless habit.

sayonara facebook.