the 5 stages of incessant pop music

i think, some people actually like pop music.  i imagine they get in their cars, flip on the radio, & contently--no, excitedly listen to whatever new song some sell-out record company paid a pretty face to sing... & then they sing along to it.

not me--i don't do that.  i mean, i don't do that at first.  but sometimes, these darn bubblegum pop songs are unavoidably catchy.  this is the case with taylor swift's newish song, "we are never ever getting back together".

stage #1  -  denial

i was driving with my family when my brother nik first showed us the song.  he, being a loyal t. swift lover, showed it to the family & denied any idea that taylor swift could have co-written such pathetic lyrics to a song.  this is seriously a taylor swift song?  no way, i can't believe it.  the song wasn't licensed to be on youtube yet, so we could only hear distorted chipmunk versions of it.  i decided to give it the benefit of the doubt, until i got home & could hear the "real" version.

stage #2  -  anger

it was another week before i heard the "real" version of this song.  i had sat down in my car, devastated once i realized my ipod was dead, & reluctantly flipped on the radio.  (sometimes, i can't drive without music. literally.)  "....never ever ever getting back together.  you go talk to--" what the heck?  taylor, seriously?  what is wrong with artists these days?  i changed the station, only to hear "...remember when we broke up, the first time. saying this is it, i've had enough..."  so i turned off the radio & opted to listen to my 12 year old brother's cd mix he made 4 years ago of slightly less annoying rock-pop songs.

stage #3  -  compromising

a couple weeks later i was in st. george with some friends.  i had some unknown catchy tune stuck in my head.  ooooooh-ooo-oo-oo-ooooh  i couldn't help but sing it over & over again until my friend chimed in the rest of the lyrics, "this time, i'm telling you, i'm telling you, we--" crap!  that's that song? i hastily explained how i didn't realize what i was singing & we mutually expressed our dislike for it.  ....but it's so catchy!  & did you know the whole music video was made in one continuous shot?

stage #4  -  depression/defeat

after rationalizing my way into purchasing this song on itunes, i was overcome with disappointment.  i gave in again?  but this music is so bad.  i can't believe myself.  i am just as worthless as other pop-music sell-outs. the only thing that could drown out my own thoughts of self-degradation was the same bubblegum pop song that had started this whole mess.  but in a tantrum like manner, i exited itunes & shut off my computer without even putting the song onto my ipod.

stage #5  -  acceptance

i guess it's not thaaaaat bad... i wonder if nik likes it yet? will he judge me if i sing it around him..?  screw it.

ps:  this is my attempt at being funny.  sort of like one of my favorite blogs... www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

i know the fiction of the fix

last saturday,
i had a long overdue daddy/daughter date.

after dinner at the pie pizzeria,

my dad & i went to see one of our mutual favorite musicians perform;

fiona apple.

she was phenomenal.

"pure, exhilarating, emotional molestation."

as my dad described our postconcert feeling.

fiona played a grand range of songs covering all four of her albums equally.

some of my favorites,

tears were puddling in my eyes as fiona's slightly tormented, melodious voice
illuminated the concert hall with her poetic lyrics

"& when the crowd becomes your burden

& you've early closed your curtains,

i'll wait by the backstage door

while you try to find

the lines to speak your mind.

& pry it open, hopin' for an encore.

& if it gets too late, for me to wait

for you to find you love me & tell me so,

it's ok.  don't need to say it."

i know.
i didn't think it possible to be more beautifully played than already recorded,

but, graciously, i was proved wrong.

inspiring.

i left her concert wanting to do nothing but write, travel, & follow my dreams.  as did my dad.

if you think i'm passionate, you ought to hear him talk about how her show made him feel.

my dad is the one of the most passionate people i know.

"here, we need to hug.  we don't hug enough."
were my dad's first words after fiona finished thanking the crowd for the standing ovation.
i love him.

prior to fiona's performance, the guitarist playing in her band opened up the show

by playing a few of his own pieces.

one of his songs in particular stood out to me:

i loved the mood set by his solo performance of this song;

soothing.

"it'll all work out."

there are times for each of us in life when we are blinded by our close range vision.

we fear our faults & mistakes without recognizing the lessons or strengths being developed.

this, i think, is human nature.

& what a comfort it can be to hear the cliched phrase it'll all work out.

what i find pure about this phrase is the keyword "work".

when a problem presents itself, often times, it won't just go away.

you have to take a step or two back, alter your plans, & work your way through.

you have to be malleable.

life helps you become malleable.

we are like the delicate stems of growing flowers.

growing toward the light in order to attain a state of blooming beauty.

it is in our patience, enduring hearts, & our hopeful dispositions 

that the fate of our blossoms lie.

no blessing is given freely.

we must endeavor.

& in the immortal words of the beatles,

we can work it out.

free bird

book #5  outliers  by: malcolm gladwell

rating:  8

i generally don't read self-help or psychology books,

but i found this one very interesting.

gladwell discusses his theory on how people rise to success.

he suggests that it isn't simply luck & innovative hardwork

that creates people like steve jobs, rather,

people are born into prime situations that mobilizes the opportunity for their success.

i found this book to be a bit inspiring in looking at success.

i would recommend it to any person of highschool age + looking at life's possibilities,

as well as anyone looking to have a good (fairly easy) read.

the whole time i was reading outliers,

i couldn't help but examine the areas in my life which were

applicable to what gladwell was discussing;

dreams, life, careers etc.

& as i examined my own life,

i was constantly reminded of my free bird necklace:

a beautiful necklace that has a gold feather charm on it.

when i was given this necklace for christmas, i loved the style & beauty of it,

but what i found myself loving even more was what it represented;

accompanying it was a title card inside the box reading,

"FREE BIRD

make a wish & put on your necklace.  feathers are symbols of freedom.

they awaken our curiosity & open our hearts & minds to possibility.

wear your necklace as a reminder to follow your dreams..."

those of you who know me know that i am a dreamer.

i am a romantic, an idealist, a free spirit.

& when i read books like outliers & wear necklaces that represent being a free bird,

i am filled with an elated sense of possibility.

life is beautiful, daunting, & open to me.

two months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me.

(i doubt that comes as a surprise to anyone who reads my posts).

when someone i am crazy about puts me in a hopeless state of mind,

i try so hard to focus on anything but what's going on inside.

so, like any mature college student,

i started looking for ways i could runaway from my current situation.

in short,

the night after carson broke up with me i applied for

the university of alaska southeast (juneau campus).

i got in!

i was to go there fall of 2012 & time couldn't move fast enough.

it has been a dream of mine since junior high to live in alaska.

the mountains, trees, ocean life, weather & seclusion of it all is so enticing to me.

alas, this dream will have to wait a little longer.

last week i had an emotional break down,

when i realized that the combined expenses of tuition, housing, & cost of living

would be too much for what i can [independently] make before i'd leave.

i'm trying to stand on my own two feet.

i want to move out & slowly ween myself off of my parents' money.

the ability to do so before i'm married & have to is another dream of mine.

some dreams have to be put on the back-burner while other ones take precedence.

alaska will have to wait.

independence comes first.

anyway,

what i'm trying to convey to you is not how dreams come true,

rather, that they can come true.

maybe not all at once,

but eventually.

i sincerely hope you all have a good day today, folks.

enjoy!

whoa let it shine

you know those times when 

you lie in bed preparing a long & passionate speech for someone,

in case they say something to provoke it out of you?

but when that moment comes & they opportunistically say

exactly what you've been waiting for them to say,

["hey" or "you good?"]

all thoughts of poetically describing the way you want to crawl into their arms

& burrow away from everything defying the existence of what you feel for them,

or whispers how all you want to do is touch that funny shoulder bone of theirs

once more, for old times' sake,

disappear.

so instead of saying the things you thought you were prepared to say,

all you can mutter is a believable "hey" or "yeah."

you know those moments?

they happen to me a bunch,

but not because i'm always dying to express my unrequited love,

or because am desperately consumed by my emotions.

rather because i paint a colorful world in my head.

a world modelled after the many romantic '50's & '80's movies i've seen,

where a girl like me falls in love with a guy like him.

& after all the seemingly insurmountable hardships of life & love appear to have taken their toll,

he stands outside my window with a boombox

blasting some perfect song like "in your eyes" by peter gabriel.

or he runs away from a job he hates so that he can join me on a ship to paris

because he finally realizes he loves me.

or he sings "can't take my eyes off of you" by frankie valli to me on the football stadium speakers

because he knows he screwed up & wants to win me back.

or he pretends to be some hot shot he's not just because

he knows it'll catch my favorable attention.

or as he walks away from kissing me, i want him to thrust his fist into the air

'cause he knows he's finally got me.

aside from all these romantic movies i wished shaped the love stories in my life,

there's this scene in this movie

"he's just not that into you"

that essentially defines my life.

here it is.

watch it.

because you know what?

love is great.

& even though i'm not ready for marriage or anything like that, i love love.

i love relationships & i love the way they make you feel.

i love the ability to throw myself out there,

wearing my heart on my sleeve,

& getting hurt.

i told my best guyfriend last night after he had finished telling me to

stop putting so much into my relationships & to prioritize school & work more like he does,

"you know, i put my whole heart into relationships. not just romantic ones, but friends also.

& i may get hurt by guys a lot more than you are by girls,

but at least i know that the way i feel before i get hurt

is better than any of the 'happiness' you feel in not getting hurt.

it's worth it to me."

he told me i crossed the boundary between making a statement & venting.

i'm passionate; what can i say?

haha, besides, he's used to it.

anyyywayyy

i guess what i am trying to say is that

despite my insecurities about love in life,

i know that i'll have it one day.

i'll have it & i'll love it.

even if humphrey bogart isn't the man my guy derives his relationship advice from,

even if john hughes or cameron crowe don't direct or write the script of our time together,

even if our love story is as cliche & repetitive as a taylor swift song,

i will still love it & dance around my room singing it day & night.

but for now, summertime is on its way.

whoa let it shine.

or, for those days when my lonely heart will not cease to knock on my walls,
i'll feed it this:

over, & over, & over.

i'll show you where my demons hide from you

i am not a very strong person.

i revel in the severity of my emotions.

when i feel the deep pang of sorrow,

the kind that crumbles your insides & curdles your cries,

although i can't stop the pain,

i love the profound ability to feel;

to be aware of my living body & consciousness.

the same love exists for almost any range of emotion,

particularly, joy, excitement, & sorrow.

i am one of those girls who gets so excited or full of happiness

that i can't seem to contain it:

i clench my fists, jump, stomp my feet, & release small yells

all while wearing a smile on my face.

when i am alone or when i'm with someone i feel secure with

are when my emotions manifest themselves in full.

after closing my bedroom door on a romantic night

i reveal my inexplicably wide grin,

throw my hands into the air & sink to the floor.

i dance around my room singing,

fall back onto my bed daydreaming,

my insides twisting with joy.

then, when i'm sad,

i cry.

after a mandatory battle with my desire to be unharmed,

i eventually succumb to momentary weakness.

driving alone in my car, i yell out my disparity.

i cry for the turn of events.

i sing sad lyrics through the sobs & blurry vision.

& after i have seemingly cried my heart out,

i park the car to allow my red, blotchy face to normalize.

but the images & words keep flooding my mind with salt water,

that seeps into my eyes & onto my sweatshirt.

that's when i roll the windows down,

take two deep breaths & finish my drive home.

just two days ago, i was sweeping our kitchen floor when

a particular song came playing its memories on my ipod & in my heart.

what did i do?

well, i was alone so i had no trouble enjoying the sweet misery of

what was & could have been.

but it was a beautiful day, & as i shook the dust off our rugs,

i heard a robin singing.

the loss of my sight amidst the dust & wind

allowed me to focus on what i could hear & feel;

the sun warming my skin,

the robin's gentle song,

& a lyrical memory fading in the background.

life has a way of carrying people in & out of our life,

bringing with them all these moments of joy, sorrow, & excitement.

i will forever cherish these moments & long for the day when i can look back on them,

recalling the way i felt, but not having another bittersweet emotion tail-ending it.

for although i love the power of deep emotions,

i look forward to the day when i regain the stability to balance them out.

; as tears of sadness soak the ground

when life seems to be too heavy,

i think the best thing to do is put on a smile & push forward;

not letting people know the weight pressing down on your chest.

there's a myriad of ways life can beat you down,

but one should never stop smiling.

there are so many more things to be happy about!

the sunshine warming the earth beneath our feet,

memories made & memories to be made,

the sound naturally flowing water makes,

the way history has proved mankind to be a strong & enduring species,

or even the way a simple conversation with a simple friend can cheer you up.

i have an experiment i want to try out.

in my [time-tested] favorite city & colour song "body in a box",

dallas green sings,

"we celebrate the life of the dead.

it's like a man's best party only happens when he dies.

we gather around to pay our respects while their souls are still searching for the light.

searching for the light."

i am continually moved by dallas green's lyrics.

this song in particular, has moved me to wonder

what if i could make someone feel like they've had "their best party"

for just a day, while they're still living?

which brings me back to my experiment.

i'm going to find a way to make different people, each day, happy.

i want them to have at least 30 seconds where they feel supreme.

i want them to be momentarily cheered up, if they are feeling otherwise.

i want them to feel noticed amidst the chaos of life & friendship.

people need people.

our emotions can wear us down.

& every once in a while, we have to be reminded why

life is beautiful.

it can be difficult to remember why people say that.

there are disconnects in understanding that life is beautiful,

& remembering why this is so.

it's in those small moments when a friend compliments your clothes,

your intellect, your writing, your hair,

or your spirit that we catch glimpses of why life is so divine.

it's also in those 2 minutes we spend admiring someone else's grace

without thoughts of jealousy or envy.

today at work, a patient told me

(after discussing my schooling/career choices)

"you are very energetic & passionate.

i can see that you are committed to what you do,

& i think you will succeed in whatever you choose to do."

this was the first time i had met this patient,

& his words left me with a profound feeling of awe mingling with rising relief.

i was amazed with his selfless assessment of myself

during the time that was supposed to be spent focussed on his dental work.

i was also amazed by how simple it was for this man

to turn my day around in a matter of 30 seconds.

later tonight, i sat talking with a good friend of mine.

as we bantered back & forth

i again felt the same profound feeling i felt earlier this morning.

"you have a lot to talk about, anna, & i am here to listen

& at least pretend like i care." (said with slight sarcasm on that last bit).

peaceful relief abounded.

these were both simple conversations without consequence or importance,

& yet, they both had distinct gravity in my "emotional being" today.

the point is,

we can all make a difference in one another's happiness each day.

& i will be striving to act upon that ability more often than not.

trembling

you know that feeling you get when you finally

say or do something that you have wanted to?

knowing if you didn't you would always regret not doing so?

it's liberating,

as well as frightening.

but as i get older, i continue to find reasons why it is important

that we endeavor to live our lives without allowing fear to hold us back.

however,

caution is something we should not abandon.

we must remember that the things we do & say cannot be "taken back".

once you write on a piece of paper,

you can try to erase & erase & erase,

but you will always be able to see a lingering, no matter how faint, mark.

at the same time,

i like to believe that if you are a good person,

with good intent & a loving heart,

the things you do & say in honesty

will not be damaging or severely regrettable.

sure, we all do or say things we sort of wish we didn't,

but in the end, our good hearts will see us through.

"i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give return to me."

(lyric by john mayer from the song wheel)

on another note,

mark twain once said,

"the best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

i try to live life accordingly.

& the more i do so, the more i realize,

i have a deep passion for making people happy.

for treating people, for surprising them with random bits of good.

i love it.

mark twain was right;

it makes me so happy.

ps:  i have decided to learn this song in french & to attempt to learn it on guitar or piano as well.

it is one of my most favorite songs.

(same song, just an awesome cover by louis)

are you passionate?

pas·sion
[pash-uhn] noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

a few of you know i have this thing for passion.

i just love it.

i believe it is a necessary ingredient for a happy life.

if you do not hold fast to whatever your passions are,

i don't see the point in going about your day to day life...regularly.

hemingway said, "every man's life ends the same way.

it is only the details of how he lived & how he died that distinguish one man from another."

how are you living your life?

are you passionate?

are you living & breathing through the trials & challenges of life,

knowing all the while that you still have your passions which bring you joy?

mind you, passion is not the same as obsession.

to be passionate about something, does not have to mean it rules your life.

nor does it have to make sense to anyone but yourself.

passion does not require talent.

passions are also not the things that necessarily are important to you either.

they aren't your husband/wife/kids/job etc,

(unless, of course, you are personally passionate about being a parent

or what have you).

though those things are necessary & important,

are they what you loved or wished for since you were a little child?

again i ask you, are you passionate?

what are you passionate about?

to answer questions like these,

we must first define passion.

passion stems from the archaic term

passionem (passio for short)

which is roughly translated as suffering; enduring; strong emotion.

this was often referenced with the passion of christ,

along with the name for the passionflower -- flos passionis --

which arose from the supposed resemblance of the corona

to the crown of thorns christ worn on the cross.

as we can see,

passion is much more than just an obsession.

passions are deep within our roots.

they are what bring us happiness, on a personal level.

i like to think of passion as being

the thing i would do everyday the rest of my life, even if i never got paid a dime.

watch this video & tell me that the passion emitted from it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

passion is most delicate when it is first spoken.

when a child first tells their parent,

"daddy, i want to be a snowboarder when i grow up!"

how delicate of a passion & dream this is.

what do people usually say to such outlandishly beautiful dreams?

"that's great honey, but make sure you stay in school & get an education,

just in case, so you have something to fall back on."

this is normal to say, & though i don't condemn anyone for saying this,

i hope to never say it to my future children

i want to encourage them, as my parents did me.

of course i will assure them that they need schooling,

because i believe schooling is wise no matter what your passion or path in life is.

i love learning.

but i hope to always support my children with whatever their passions are,

(so long as they are ethically, morally, & intellectually edifying.)

^_^

so i ask you one more time, what are your passions?

i challenge you to write down a list of 25 different passions you've found in life.

not a safety list; one that you would not be embarrassed to read out loud.

rather, a list so personal it reaches & digs at the very core of your being.

as a second challenge,

i challenge you to seize one of your passions.

i challenge you to revive one of them & allow it to live & breathe within you.

just do it.

if you can't seem to pinpoint any passion in your life,

email/text/call/facebook; contact 25 of your friends & family members,

& ask them to describe you in one sentence.

ask them to not say anything degrading, sarcastic, negative, or jokingly.

just an honest, pleasant sentence.

i will be doing so, simply because it sounds intriguing to me.

when you do so, i am told your passion may very well become apparent to you

through these sentences.

now, i am going to give you a list of 10 of my passions.

please don't laugh at them.

they don't have to make sense to you,
in fact, many of you may not even know they existed within me.

but they do, & they bring me happiness.

i am passionate about:
-- cooking

-- travelling;  seeing the world & the people in it.

-- serving people i treasure or care about;  giving them gifts;  making them happy.

-- writing:  lyrics, books, poems, blogs, emails, letters, anything.

-- letters: writing them, sending them, receiving them, stamps, postage, paper, envelopes, everything. 

-- creating art/beauty;  playing a musical instrument, painting, drawing, or taking a picture.

-- being outside:  hiking, camping, backpacking, travelling, adventuring, anything.

--  being different;  breaking the mold;  being noticed doing what i love or deem right.

-- loving, being with, & caring for animals.

-- being loved, admired, & trusted.

those are all things that bring me happiness.

i am still trying to write list upon list of my passions,

in hopes that i can find my deepest, most treasured passion.

until then, i challenge you to be passionate.

live a life you love.

& i'll leave you with one of my most favorite neil young songs:

are you passionate?

are you passionate?

are you livin' like you talk?

are you dreamin' how you'll be goin' to the top?

are you negative

in a world that never stops turning on you,

turning on me, turning on you?

are you loving it?

can you ever get enough of it?

is it everything:

a love that never stops coming to you,

coming to me, coming to you?

once i was soldier, i was fighting in the sky.

& the gunfire kept coming back on me.

so i dove into the darkness & i let my missiles fly,

& they might be the ones that kept you free.

once i was a prisoner, i was riding in a truck

cleaned up for a public display.

i looked at those around me & when they looked at me

i let them see my soul on that day.

are you scared of it?

do you wish that it would stop?

does it bother you when you hear your spirit talk?

well i'm right with you.

yes, i'm right with you,

it's working on me, it's working on you.

it's working on me.

i wonder what it's all about

on wednesday,

i wasn't feeling too happy.

i was driving around sulking when i saw a homeless man

standing on the side of the road holding a sign that read,

"honest & hungry".

i thought to myself,

"anna, when was the last time you gave to a homeless person?"

(i used to all the time).

i think the combination of this man's sign,

my situation,

& my mood

made me realize something important.

even though i may have hard times,

i still have a roof over my head,

family & friends who love & care about me,

good health,

a decent job,

& a full life ahead of me.

so you know what i thought next?

"sir, i like your sign.  & because i am not happy,

i want to make you happy."

so you know what i did?

i gave him all the cash in my wallet.

(granted) it was only a cluster of ones (i think),

but still, it was a decently sized cluster.

i don't know how much money i gave him,

but i don't care.

it felt so... relieving.

nothing does the heart more good

than a handful of service.

since that fateful night,

i have decided to make a goal.

it's a kind of late new year's resolution,

but i vote it still counts.

my goal will be to keep service in my heart;

to stop focusing on myself.

more specifically,

to volunteer at the homeless shelter

[at least] once every two weeks.

it's not much to start with, but, baby steps.

i miss this:

serving children who love & adore you so fully,

without any expectations.

love is a burning thing

i have never particularly been a fan of photos like this one.

photos showing young boys & girls acting in love.

i don't like them.

i've never known why,

until,

i had a sort of deep epiphany when i saw this picture:

i don't know what it was about this picture, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

i know, i know.
there's nothing bad about this picture;

it's supposed to be adorable.

my reaction is really just a personal issue.

i think this issue begins somewhere along the lines of,

i treasure childhood innocence.

in almost a holden caulfield sort of way,

i repel anything that spoils the innocence of childhood memories.

these pictures aren't necessarily spoiling any childhood innocence,

except,

the concept of a child loving the way an adult loves.

adults' love is not innocent.

adults' love is heartbreaking,

challenging,

tumultuous,

& at times, deceptive.

children do not love that way.

children love without thinking.

they truly do love with innocence.

it is a beautiful thing.

but i am not condemning the love amongst adults,

quite the opposite, in fact.

i find it demeaning to put an adult's love

in the hands of children-- so to speak.

i don't think children can hold or comprehend the gravity of an adult's love.

i think that is why children can never quite grasp the love a parent has for their child

until they themselves have a child of their own.

this is a love that is not innocent,

& endures all sorts of trials,

but is, in my opinion, the highest degree of love.

though it can be a

"can't live with it, can't live without it" type of ordeal,

this love is strong & very powerful.

i cherish this kind of love.

this kind of love where two people recognize one another's

faults & issues,

& yet, love one another despite them.

& though we are at times guilty of being rude, wrong, or unforgivable, 

this kind of love will hold to what is true & what is right.

it forgives the faults of each others' love.

it is the hardships that entail this love,

that make it so powerful & moving.

so when i see a picture,

depicting two innocent children

loving

in an adult sort of way,

i am bothered.

the love of a child is innocent & beautiful.

we should never want to replace it with an adult sort of love.

nor should we diminish the gravity of adult love by putting it in such a scene

(whether for a child or lover).

love is amazing in whatever form it comes it.

i hope to always perceive love,

& to always embrace it.

ogres are like onions, not cakes

i love peeling back the layers of people i know.

i love that moment when a wave of understanding floods through my being,

as i realize why my friend is the way they are:

why they do this thing they do:

why they don't do something that every other person seems to do,

without a second thought.

these short glimpses of depth into a person's soul,

though temporarily experienced,

fill me with hope.

often times,

i excuse other peoples' actions as surface deep

or inconsequential.

i see the way people interact with one another,

& i watch the way they coexist;

one friend texting another all night about a 5 minute experience with some person.

the first friend wanting someone to talk to & confide in.

(meanwhile, they are filling this empty feeling inside of them.

knowing that even though those 5 minutes made them feel worthless,

for the next three hours, they have a friend who loves them & will comfort them.)

the second friend, listening, wants to feel like they are apart of the first's life.

(although they may consider the first friend's 5 minute experience as

a mere overreaction,

the act of listening & comforting their friend

fills them with a sense of purpose in their personal chaotic world of existence.)

in another situation,

one person may choose not to trouble their friends with their petty problems & feelings.

some people may glance at this person,

subconsciously thinking that these trifling thoughts don't exist for them.

another person may look at them, though, and see

an extreme depth of awareness

or care

this person must has for those around him/her;

admiration abounds.

each person we know is fighting their own battle.

(as cliche as it is to say, it's true.)

each person is living in a way that is a compilation of

what they were taught &

what they have learned on their journey thus far in life.

i believe that in order to more completely love the people around us,

we must first understand their intentions & desires

& where these intentions & desires began.

for example,

when i was in high school

i wasn't a popular choice for school dances.

i was asked to a grand total of 5 dances

2 of which, were at high schools i didn't attend.

though that may make me appear diverse in my friendships,

i was really just doing coworkers favors when they didn't have anyone to ask.

i really only clung to a few select friends,

& didn't have as easy of a time deciphering

cliques, trends, & peers

as these friends did.

in short,

i didn't really know how to be cool,

how to be hip,

or how to simply be in high school.

this isn't a pity party though.

very unlike me,

my sister had a natural understanding of how to do these things.

she was asked to every dance.

she had lots of friends,

who all loved her & her company.

though rachel had her own hard times

that every teenager experiences in high school

(no social status can exempt them from this),

i was always jealous of her natural ability to simply be & enjoy high school.

& when she would complain to me about the drama surrounding

who asked who to what dance,

& who she wanted to be asked by,

i would sometimes treat her unfairly.

i would unleash my hurt from watching pretty girls my age, like my sister,

getting asked to every dance while i would- for whatever reason- not get asked.

i would say things like,

"just be grateful you even get asked to dances!"

meanwhile holding bitter thoughts of resent against her.
this was unfair to rachel.

all through out this time,

my mom had to watch me go through high school,

not getting asked to dances,

& she saw the way it bothered me

(even though i tried to act above it all).

i remember my mom constantly telling me to 

act this way around boys,

act this way around girls,

to act like rachel & i might get asked to a dance.

she'd ask, "why do your friends get asked to dances, but not you?

don't you want to go?"

i was upset with my mom for asking me questions like that.

it hurt my feelings.

of course i wanted to go to the dances,

but how was i supposed to know why i wasn't asked?

so instead of listening to my mom when she'd tell me to act a certain way,

i just became upset with her.

i fooled myself into thinking selfish thoughts like,

"mom is only telling me to be that way,

because she's ashamed i'm not popular & cool like rachel or my cousins."

in reality, i was misjudging one of my mom's deeply rooted layers.

the only reason she was trying to help me

figure out why i wasn't asked to dances

was because she saw they saddened me,

& she only wanted me to be happy & feel accepted.

she had been in high school once,

& she knew how it felt not to feel accepted by your peers.

now that i am older,

i can see this, & appreciate it,

as i watch my cousins & siblings get asked to dances,

& not get asked to some.

i want to help them, but i don't know any more than they do.

so all i can do is try to help them feel above it all.

if i were more like my mom,

my layers would cause me to help them try to do something about getting asked.

but instead, my layers leave me trying to comfort them,

in laughing at the triviality of high school popularity

& its inconsequential dances.

everyone has layers,

it is simply up to us to peel them back,

love them,

& hope to understand them,

as we try to help them through this beautiful, but difficult life.

snowfall kind of love

the first snowfall always puts me in a good mood;

a frank sinatra mood.

this is my favorite sinatra song.

i want it to be played at my wedding one day.

it's just so classy.

& that's what snowfall,

fresh & clean from the sky,

reminds me of.

i love warm winter clothes:

boots

tights

scarves

gloves

beanies

& jackets.

when i think of winter's first snowfall,

i picture an old-fashioned scene.

a boy & a girl are walking together,

arm in arm, through the snowy streets 

into a warm, cozy, dimly lit restaurant

where they enjoy a lovely meal at a quaint table for two,

right next to the frosty window.

& frank sinatra has to be playing in the background.

it just fits.

romantic.

red hunting caps

the human brain is an interesting thing.
with each moment of time, significant or not, a memory is created.  this memory is noted by the emotions stirred within our hearts, glimpses of detail caught by our eyes, & thoughts passing through at that time.  but time has a mysterious way of clouding the links to these memories.  the more time that goes by; the foggier the link.  the memory still exists, but we somehow find ourselves disconnected.  while we are able to recall even the most minute of details in such memories, we no longer feel the emotions that were attached & often rediscovered when called upon at an earlier, less foggy, time.  we can only remember feeling a certain way.

i think this is a tragically beautiful blessing.

it makes moments, like these, possible for reexamination at a later time.

it was a night like any other.  the street was dimly lit by lamp posts & yellow stars, spotted along its borders.  the neighbors had all gone to bed, & little children fast asleep needed quiet.  summer was drawing near its end, & the first chapter of highschool was about to begin.
unaware & unprepared for what the future held in store for their relationship, an innocent girl in love was being walked home by a boy.  crickets & laughter filled the air, as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, protecting her from the superstitiously dark lamp post.  blush flooded her face as he whispered words of vigilant endearment in her ear.
the surrounding trees blanketed their love in blissful secrecy as they arrived in her backyard, but it was the cold, emerald-colored grass that had a peculiar way of bringing the two closer.  whether by causing their toes to find their way to each other in search of lingering summer heat, or by tickling her neck until he places his arm underneath it in a chivalrous attempt to provide her with comfort;  the grass knew how to bring them together.
as he kissed her goodnight, she silently swore she could marry him someday.
she walked inside, having loved relentlessly & blissfully.
he walked away, his head hung heavy with protective fear.

as time goes by

lately i've been on an old movie kick.

i've watched 

sabrina (1954)

the curse of frankenstein (1957)

casablanca (1942)

 & gone with the wind (1939).

as i watch these movies,

i find myself just loving humphrey bogart,

as well as the idea of running away to paris.

"paris isn't for changing planes, it's for changing your outlook!

for throwing open the windows & letting in...

letting in la vie en rose."

"paris is for lovers.

maybe that's why i stayed only 35 minutes."

out of all these movies though,

i really loved sabrina & casablanca.

in sabrina, audrey hepburn describes to humphrey bogart

what he must do the first night he runs away to paris.

she says, 

"this is what you do on your very first day in paris.

you get yourself, not a drizze, but some honest-to-goodness rain,

& you find yourself someone really nice

& drive her through the bois de boulogne in a taxi.

the rain's very important.

that's when paris smells its sweetest.

- it's the damp chestnut trees."

now i find myself so badly wanting to

run away to paris with a lover,

& doing just that.

or at least leaving for paris,

& falling in love with someone i can't have,

like in casablanca.

"we'll always have paris."
(& oh how'd i'd just go weak at the knees if a boy ever said to me,
"here's lookin' at you, kid."
the way humphrey bogart does.)

there's something magical about paris & humphrey bogart.

it's so romantic.

a bird's wing on the window

"i love you, woman."

"just take it one day at a time."

"love you & your thoughts."

"is there a 'like' button on here? xoxo"

"you are not obligated to do anything you don't want to do."

"i hope you know i haven't forgotten you & i love you so much."

"everything in sync... body, mind & spirit.  real joy.  xox"

"these things are hard.  i wish i had the answers for you, but i dont."

"this life is pretty amazing."

"such a great post.  thank you."

"pray about it."

"awe, i love you!"

"proud of you!"

a text message.

a comment.

a phone call.

an email.

a letter.

it's beautiful what a few simple words can do for your heart.

despite the method of delivery they come in.

they say a picture can say one thousand words.

what a beautiful truth.

but in the end,

it's words we use to describe the picture.

i love words.

the ability to shape them,

mold them to whichever emotion you wish to convey.

a few words placed together & their ability to take your breath away,

or move you,

sooth you,

or excite you.

words

when placed to a melody,

the plucking of a guitar, stroking of piano keys,

sending a wave of possibility through your heart & mind.

words are beautiful.

pictures are beautiful.

songs are beautiful.

life is beautiful.