all those feelings

lately i find myself saying, or thinking, "i feel like...".

it's wrong.

i'll be talking about computers/idvd projects/gigabytes etc, & i'll say something ridiculous like, "this video is only 3.2gb & the disc holds up to 4.7gb, so i feel like it should fit. but it doesn't."

that just makes no sense.

while we were in china, shelby always said "i feel like..." which naturally got everyone around her saying it too, including myself.  since i've been home, i've noticed many people around me who say it too.

i need to stop.  it bothers me every time i say it.

& the funny part is, when i'm lying in bed or sitting on the computer, allowing my thoughts to roam, i catch myself thinking "i feel like..." & mid-thought i correct myself.  no anna, no.
"i think..."

silly, i know.

now & later

while max was still vivacious, you would often hear the phrase "that darn dog" being muttered around the house.  "that darn dog" chewed up anything he could get his teeth on.  i remember, one time he even chewed up a baby duckling or two.

he'd come trotting up to the porch with his prize locked between his jaws, wagging his tail so proud, only to be reproached for his kill.  then, as if his tender release could undue what he'd done, he'd slowly bend his head, unlatch his jaw, & tuck his tail behind his legs.

all he wanted was our approval & love.

big news you guys

i had forgotten how it feels to be exposed, to wear my heart on my sleeve.

tonight at our lovely mackles birthday party, i read a poem/lyric i wrote.

it's one of those pieces of writing you feel really attached to, as if it were an extension of yourself.

i was really nervous.  & it's not that i care if any of the mackles judge my writing; i know i'm not meant to be a poet.  i just felt very vulnerable,  i was even shaking. i don't think anyone noticed, but i was certainly highly aware of myself.

i guess i've just gotten used to not "endangering" (or showing?) the way i feel.

oh well, it was alright.

so that's why ukrainians love him

here's my problem.

i am a tatyana.  & i fall for the superfluous man.

whether that superfluous man is onegin, mr. darcy, or dr. house...

i fall for him.

you can't always get what you want.

tunage

strangers on this road we are on

what is a friend?

friend

[frend]  --noun

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

if this is what technically defines a friend, then how did society place all these literal definitions on the title "friend"?

(definition found by some girl who quoted some person on facebook)

1. someone who is always there to listen to you, laugh with you, cry with you, & be there for you.
2. someone who knows your innermost secrets, desires, & fears.
3. someone who will not hesitate to tell you when you're being a jerk or when you look awful.

now, maybe it's just me, but i think #1 and #3 seem rather contradictory.  #1 is describing someone who caters to your every feeling, while #3 does just the opposite.  not to mention, wouldn't you want your friend to hesitate saying something they know will hurt your feelings?

i look at the majority of the "friendships" i have accumulated in my life & i feel hopeless.  these friends don't fulfill any of that facebook quote's requirements.  there are several friends i have, whom i consider my closest friends.  they are the people i tried my hardest not to keep at arms length.  & though i don't know their deepest secrets or desires, i love them & i will support them while we try to maneuver through life together.

strangers  by: the kinks

where are you going?  i don't mind.
i've killed my world & i've killed my time.
so where do i go?  what do i see?
i see many people coming after.
so where are you going to?  i don't mind.
if i live too long, i'm afraid i'll die.
so i will follow you wherever you go,
if your offered hand is still open to me.
strangers on this road we are on,
but we are not two, we are one.

so you've been where i've just come,

from the land that brings losers on.

so we will share this road we walk

& mind our mouths & beware our talk.

'til peace we find, tell you what i'll do,

all the things i own i will share with you.

if i feel tomorrow like i feel today,

we'll take what we want & give the rest away.

strangers on this road we are on,

but we are not two, we are one.

holy man & holy priest,

this love of life makes me weak at my knees.

& when we get there make your play

'cause soon i feel you're gonna carry us away.

in a promised lie, you made us believe,

for many men there is so much grief.

& my mind is proud but it aches with rage.

& if i live too long i'm afraid i'll die.

strangers on this road we are on,

but we are not two, we are one.

strangers on this road we are on,

oh we are not two, we are one.

i don't wanna be the one that you don't recognize

i love neil halstead.

i would marry a man like him.

stalking just isn't the same without him

when i had my first heartbreak, it was tough.
my friends would hang out at my ex's house without me, all the time.  i felt like i had no one.  but max would listen to me. so we would go on walks, & i would tell him everything.  i started finding any excuse to walk past my ex's house (my friends were usually there playing outside).

max was my company.

he would walk with me all over the place, & we'd walk for hours on end & into the night.  eventually we stopped walking in that neighborhood, but we'd still go walking everywhere else.  

those long walks are what i miss the most.

to read or not to read?

here's the thing about journals:  mine are private.

i once had a teacher comment on journals.  she said that we should preserve our journals so that future generations may read what we once thought.  well, what if i don't want my future prosperity to know what i think, er though, about?  my private journals have always been personal reminders of how much i have changed, & what i should expect from my future kids (in a way).  but then again, it would be cool to have something i wrote for my kids to read.

so as of today, i've decided to start fresh.

i'm going to start writing in a new journal, being completely honest with my thoughts & feelings, but without forgetting that one day my prosperity might read it.  

but then i think about my past relatives, & i feel selfish.  i've never tried to read a journal they wrote.  what makes me think my future great-grandkids will care to read what i write?  aren't we all sortof selfish?  maybe not all of us.  i know my aunt reads/looks at her grandmother's belongings.

i guess it's safe just to be careful.  one day, i could have a child or grandchild that is more selfless than i.

the best two years

no i haven't served a mission & no i'm not sure if i will or not.

this post is titled 'the best two years' because, like many 19 year old mormon boys, i too left home & the country right out of highschool.  i went to ukraine, & then to idaho.  then i went to china, & now i'm back in idaho.  i've been home an accumulated grand total of 2 months since highschool.

yet, over these past 2 years i have grown more close to a certain someone, than i had the entire 18 years i lived with her;  my beautiful sister rachel.

(she also happens to be 2 years younger than me).

today is she is 18.

i wish there were some catchy phrase to describe 18 like 30, flirty & thriving.  that would make it sound cooler.  but really, 18 is a big number all on it's own. i look back to when i turned 18, & i'm less than pleased.  i was nowhere near the mature & beautiful girl rachel is now.

rachel i love you.

thank you for helping me through & making mine the best 2 years.

i'll always be there for you, the way you were for me.

graduation 6-2009

homecoming 9-2009

ukraine 9-2009

monster mash 10-2009

 ukraine 10-2009

halloween 10-2009

 ukraine 10-2009

 winter formal 12-2009

 ukraine 12-2009

 skiing 12-2009

 home 12-2009

 jr. prom 4-2010

home 4-2010

 

 school 5-2010

idaho 5-2010

sophie 6-2010

home 6-2010

lake powell 8-2010

lake powell 8-2010

boating 9-2010

hong kong 9-2010

homecoming 9-2010

china 9-2010

st. george marathon 10-2010

the great wall of chine 10-2010

utah canyons 11-2010

china 11-2010

skiing 12-2010

china 12-2010

christmas 12-2010

i'm here for you rach, no matter how far apart we are.
happy birthday.
(now you're legal).

life in a box

when max was a puppy, we kept him in a cardboard box (at night & just until we could find him a proper "home").  sometimes he would break the walls of his cardboard home down.  then we'd have to find him a new cardboard box.  (he wasn't "poty" trained yet, but cardboard did the job).  if i could draw you a picture of what it looked like to see him sitting in that cardboard box, i would.   every time i think of it, i laugh.

do i miss china?

yes, i do. but mostly i miss just being abroad.  i miss traveling & seeing amazing things.  i miss experiencing a new world, beyond my own.  i miss meeting new people & learning new languages.  if i could, i would always be traveling.

 everyday utensils,  china

 aberdeen harbor,  hong kong, china

 the world's largest sitting bronze buddha,  hong kong, china

 the streets,  hong kong, china

 the students,  xiaolan,  china

 fish head dinner,  xiaolan, china

 jacky,  xiaolan, china

 a pagoda,  xiaolan, china

 tree roots,  xiaolan, china

 octopus & rice lunch,  xiaolan, china

 (ntlapd) midea presentation,  xiaolan, china

 bamboo raft,  yangshuo, china

 bartering shops,  yangshuo, china

 peter & friends,  yangshuo, china

 post-21-hour-train-ride,  beijing, china

 lama temple,   beijing, china

 (mutianyu) great wall,  beijing, china

 temple of heaven,  beijing, china

 tiananmen square,  beijing, china

 bell tower,  xi'an, china

 terracotta warriors,  xi'an, china

 bartering street,  xi'an, china

 muslim area,  xi'an, china

 friends,  xiaolan, china

 fruit stand,  xiaolan, china

 students,  xiaolan, china

 koi fish pond,  xiaolan, china

 chrysanthemum festival,  xiaolan, china

chinese beast statue,  xiaolan, china

 cherry,  xiaolan, china

 judy,  xiaolan, china

 lama temple statue,  beijing, china

 the forbidden city door,  beijing, china

 the forbidden city,  beijing, china

 li river bamboo rafts,  yangshuo, china

 li river & fjord mountains,  yangshuo, china

 (dragon back) rice terraces,  guilin, china

 village of the long-haired women,  guilin, china

 pagoda stairway,  xiaolan, china

 the city view,  xiaolan, china

 the forbidden city,  beijing, china

(mutianyu) great wall,  beijing, china

(village of the) long-haired women,  guilin, china

right now, my friend amy is in india.  i am so envious of her & wish i could be there so bad.  one day i will go there.  but until then, i just need to focus on school & life.