good ol' times

just some random favorites

& at once i knew

sometimes,

i just want to run away

& never come back.

this world is so big

& so beautiful.

i want to see it all.

i want to help others.

i want to feel like i'm apart of something

that's bigger than myself & the people in this city.

i don't know how to explain it;

this wanderlust within.

it seems to be my one consistently

reccuring dream.

ogres are like onions, not cakes

i love peeling back the layers of people i know.

i love that moment when a wave of understanding floods through my being,

as i realize why my friend is the way they are:

why they do this thing they do:

why they don't do something that every other person seems to do,

without a second thought.

these short glimpses of depth into a person's soul,

though temporarily experienced,

fill me with hope.

often times,

i excuse other peoples' actions as surface deep

or inconsequential.

i see the way people interact with one another,

& i watch the way they coexist;

one friend texting another all night about a 5 minute experience with some person.

the first friend wanting someone to talk to & confide in.

(meanwhile, they are filling this empty feeling inside of them.

knowing that even though those 5 minutes made them feel worthless,

for the next three hours, they have a friend who loves them & will comfort them.)

the second friend, listening, wants to feel like they are apart of the first's life.

(although they may consider the first friend's 5 minute experience as

a mere overreaction,

the act of listening & comforting their friend

fills them with a sense of purpose in their personal chaotic world of existence.)

in another situation,

one person may choose not to trouble their friends with their petty problems & feelings.

some people may glance at this person,

subconsciously thinking that these trifling thoughts don't exist for them.

another person may look at them, though, and see

an extreme depth of awareness

or care

this person must has for those around him/her;

admiration abounds.

each person we know is fighting their own battle.

(as cliche as it is to say, it's true.)

each person is living in a way that is a compilation of

what they were taught &

what they have learned on their journey thus far in life.

i believe that in order to more completely love the people around us,

we must first understand their intentions & desires

& where these intentions & desires began.

for example,

when i was in high school

i wasn't a popular choice for school dances.

i was asked to a grand total of 5 dances

2 of which, were at high schools i didn't attend.

though that may make me appear diverse in my friendships,

i was really just doing coworkers favors when they didn't have anyone to ask.

i really only clung to a few select friends,

& didn't have as easy of a time deciphering

cliques, trends, & peers

as these friends did.

in short,

i didn't really know how to be cool,

how to be hip,

or how to simply be in high school.

this isn't a pity party though.

very unlike me,

my sister had a natural understanding of how to do these things.

she was asked to every dance.

she had lots of friends,

who all loved her & her company.

though rachel had her own hard times

that every teenager experiences in high school

(no social status can exempt them from this),

i was always jealous of her natural ability to simply be & enjoy high school.

& when she would complain to me about the drama surrounding

who asked who to what dance,

& who she wanted to be asked by,

i would sometimes treat her unfairly.

i would unleash my hurt from watching pretty girls my age, like my sister,

getting asked to every dance while i would- for whatever reason- not get asked.

i would say things like,

"just be grateful you even get asked to dances!"

meanwhile holding bitter thoughts of resent against her.
this was unfair to rachel.

all through out this time,

my mom had to watch me go through high school,

not getting asked to dances,

& she saw the way it bothered me

(even though i tried to act above it all).

i remember my mom constantly telling me to 

act this way around boys,

act this way around girls,

to act like rachel & i might get asked to a dance.

she'd ask, "why do your friends get asked to dances, but not you?

don't you want to go?"

i was upset with my mom for asking me questions like that.

it hurt my feelings.

of course i wanted to go to the dances,

but how was i supposed to know why i wasn't asked?

so instead of listening to my mom when she'd tell me to act a certain way,

i just became upset with her.

i fooled myself into thinking selfish thoughts like,

"mom is only telling me to be that way,

because she's ashamed i'm not popular & cool like rachel or my cousins."

in reality, i was misjudging one of my mom's deeply rooted layers.

the only reason she was trying to help me

figure out why i wasn't asked to dances

was because she saw they saddened me,

& she only wanted me to be happy & feel accepted.

she had been in high school once,

& she knew how it felt not to feel accepted by your peers.

now that i am older,

i can see this, & appreciate it,

as i watch my cousins & siblings get asked to dances,

& not get asked to some.

i want to help them, but i don't know any more than they do.

so all i can do is try to help them feel above it all.

if i were more like my mom,

my layers would cause me to help them try to do something about getting asked.

but instead, my layers leave me trying to comfort them,

in laughing at the triviality of high school popularity

& its inconsequential dances.

everyone has layers,

it is simply up to us to peel them back,

love them,

& hope to understand them,

as we try to help them through this beautiful, but difficult life.

lead me to the truth

this song/cover:

every once in a while,

people find themselves feeling lost in their emotions.

confused.

overwhelmed?

lately, i've been inexplicably internally conflicted.

[i mean really, i can't explain it.]

it's not with anything serious,

or of serious consequence,

simply overwhelming.

i had a sortof breakdown during lunch yesterday.

i just needed someone to spill all my conflicting thoughts & feelings to.

kalli was there to listen to me & tell me straight.

often times, i think people underrate the value of a friend who will not simply listen,

rather,

a friend who listens & responds.

not only did she help me empty my thoughts,

she helped me sort them out & clear my head.

i feel a little ridiculous now,

in considering the conversation i carried on;

i complicate situations by over analyzing things.

kalli helped me see this, again.

she's in provo right now.

i miss her.

i miss china

i miss china.

i miss the scooter rides,

the yummy treats,

the monsoons,

the kids,

the trees,

the parks,

the long nights of karaoke,

the curly hair everyday,

the chrysanthemums,

the chinese of it all.

st. geezy round 2

1-1-2012

this is just a tribute

when i look at the years, past & present,

i'm always reminded of the james taylor song

secret of life.

2011 was an interesting year,

& like every other blogger out there,

i have to pay tribute.

so, here's my own compilation of music & photos

depicting what

2011

meant to me.

saying goodbye to max

my final semesters in idaho

festival of colors

allowing roommates to dress me up like sasha fierce

long bike rides with ling

skyping with my annaleez

spring break skiing with sis

easter in st. george

temple photoshoot with leah

iron & wine/the head & the heart concert

my first half marathon

boating/bear lake trips

my first triathlon

the annaleez bucket list baby misha

a visit from the [then] blushing bride amy

nydegger's family newport trip

suicide rock

family outings

st. geezy over labor day weekend

wheeler farm photoshoot with leah

lone peak backpacking trip

baking with kalli

turning 21 & carson

epic halloweening as grumpy

city & colour concert

thanksgiving in st. george with the family

christmas cards for the missionaries

christmas sweater/white elephant parties

preparing & eating lobster with slams

christmas

amy's beautiful wedding

new year's st. george trip with the friends