whoa let it shine

you know those times when 

you lie in bed preparing a long & passionate speech for someone,

in case they say something to provoke it out of you?

but when that moment comes & they opportunistically say

exactly what you've been waiting for them to say,

["hey" or "you good?"]

all thoughts of poetically describing the way you want to crawl into their arms

& burrow away from everything defying the existence of what you feel for them,

or whispers how all you want to do is touch that funny shoulder bone of theirs

once more, for old times' sake,

disappear.

so instead of saying the things you thought you were prepared to say,

all you can mutter is a believable "hey" or "yeah."

you know those moments?

they happen to me a bunch,

but not because i'm always dying to express my unrequited love,

or because am desperately consumed by my emotions.

rather because i paint a colorful world in my head.

a world modelled after the many romantic '50's & '80's movies i've seen,

where a girl like me falls in love with a guy like him.

& after all the seemingly insurmountable hardships of life & love appear to have taken their toll,

he stands outside my window with a boombox

blasting some perfect song like "in your eyes" by peter gabriel.

or he runs away from a job he hates so that he can join me on a ship to paris

because he finally realizes he loves me.

or he sings "can't take my eyes off of you" by frankie valli to me on the football stadium speakers

because he knows he screwed up & wants to win me back.

or he pretends to be some hot shot he's not just because

he knows it'll catch my favorable attention.

or as he walks away from kissing me, i want him to thrust his fist into the air

'cause he knows he's finally got me.

aside from all these romantic movies i wished shaped the love stories in my life,

there's this scene in this movie

"he's just not that into you"

that essentially defines my life.

here it is.

watch it.

because you know what?

love is great.

& even though i'm not ready for marriage or anything like that, i love love.

i love relationships & i love the way they make you feel.

i love the ability to throw myself out there,

wearing my heart on my sleeve,

& getting hurt.

i told my best guyfriend last night after he had finished telling me to

stop putting so much into my relationships & to prioritize school & work more like he does,

"you know, i put my whole heart into relationships. not just romantic ones, but friends also.

& i may get hurt by guys a lot more than you are by girls,

but at least i know that the way i feel before i get hurt

is better than any of the 'happiness' you feel in not getting hurt.

it's worth it to me."

he told me i crossed the boundary between making a statement & venting.

i'm passionate; what can i say?

haha, besides, he's used to it.

anyyywayyy

i guess what i am trying to say is that

despite my insecurities about love in life,

i know that i'll have it one day.

i'll have it & i'll love it.

even if humphrey bogart isn't the man my guy derives his relationship advice from,

even if john hughes or cameron crowe don't direct or write the script of our time together,

even if our love story is as cliche & repetitive as a taylor swift song,

i will still love it & dance around my room singing it day & night.

but for now, summertime is on its way.

whoa let it shine.

or, for those days when my lonely heart will not cease to knock on my walls,
i'll feed it this:

over, & over, & over.

despite your psuedo-bohemian appearance

tonight was the concert.

plans with who i originally was supposed to go with fell through

& none of my friends really cared to go either.

so i went alone.

[as usual]

haha, but don't worry!

i made friends!

can you believe it?  i can, hardly.

their names are danny & vaughn.

i know it sounds like i made them up, but trust me, i didn't.

there were 3 opening bands for say anything.

through out the first 2, i made a total of 8 awkward eye-contacts with denny.

i promise, i'm not a creep.

finally, they called me over & we became friends.

woo hoo!

we enjoyed the rest of the concert together jammin' to some of my favorites:

color my life with the chaos of trouble

festival of colors was on saturday, however due to time restraints & traffic, i was unable to go.

so my dearest leah & i had a makeshift festival of colors;

aka a paint war.

true story

you guys.

i have officially begun my book.

i am writing a book!

i know it's not going to be anything too grand, or profound,

but i finally started it.

it's a compilation of memories & stories about a girl my age [surprise].

almost two months ago, i became compulsive about writing down my memories,

so i wouldn't lose them amidst my memories yet made.

that's when i bought this striped composition notebook,

in which i've written the first few pages of my book.

people keep telling me that i should write a book,

but i never thought i had it in me until that night at walmart.

i picked up an order of pictures, looked at them,

& thought, "screw it.  i'm just going to try it."

problem is, i got home & didn't know what to write about.

i usually post blogs about my feelings & music,

but who wants to read a book all about the not-so-complex feelings

of a 21 year old college girl & how her music choice helps her out?

no one, err at least, not i.

it wasn't until i read a sappy love chapter out of a book my friend is writing,

that i finally thought it would be ok to just try writing one

even if it has a lot to do with the cliche complexities of
a college girl balancing her life's schedule between finding love, family, school, & work.

so here i am;

3 pages in & feelin' good.

wish me luck!

i'll show you where my demons hide from you

i am not a very strong person.

i revel in the severity of my emotions.

when i feel the deep pang of sorrow,

the kind that crumbles your insides & curdles your cries,

although i can't stop the pain,

i love the profound ability to feel;

to be aware of my living body & consciousness.

the same love exists for almost any range of emotion,

particularly, joy, excitement, & sorrow.

i am one of those girls who gets so excited or full of happiness

that i can't seem to contain it:

i clench my fists, jump, stomp my feet, & release small yells

all while wearing a smile on my face.

when i am alone or when i'm with someone i feel secure with

are when my emotions manifest themselves in full.

after closing my bedroom door on a romantic night

i reveal my inexplicably wide grin,

throw my hands into the air & sink to the floor.

i dance around my room singing,

fall back onto my bed daydreaming,

my insides twisting with joy.

then, when i'm sad,

i cry.

after a mandatory battle with my desire to be unharmed,

i eventually succumb to momentary weakness.

driving alone in my car, i yell out my disparity.

i cry for the turn of events.

i sing sad lyrics through the sobs & blurry vision.

& after i have seemingly cried my heart out,

i park the car to allow my red, blotchy face to normalize.

but the images & words keep flooding my mind with salt water,

that seeps into my eyes & onto my sweatshirt.

that's when i roll the windows down,

take two deep breaths & finish my drive home.

just two days ago, i was sweeping our kitchen floor when

a particular song came playing its memories on my ipod & in my heart.

what did i do?

well, i was alone so i had no trouble enjoying the sweet misery of

what was & could have been.

but it was a beautiful day, & as i shook the dust off our rugs,

i heard a robin singing.

the loss of my sight amidst the dust & wind

allowed me to focus on what i could hear & feel;

the sun warming my skin,

the robin's gentle song,

& a lyrical memory fading in the background.

life has a way of carrying people in & out of our life,

bringing with them all these moments of joy, sorrow, & excitement.

i will forever cherish these moments & long for the day when i can look back on them,

recalling the way i felt, but not having another bittersweet emotion tail-ending it.

for although i love the power of deep emotions,

i look forward to the day when i regain the stability to balance them out.

life before you know who you're gonna be

the events of this past weekend has made me realize something.

i watched my cousin eliza on one of the most important days of her life, blushing & overjoyed.

as she spoke about how blessed she feels to finally have found the one

who will love her continuously & unwaveringly

as they travel life's winding paths together,

i was brought to tears.

i realized that one of my biggest dreams, passions, & wishes

is to love & be loved "with a love that is more than love".

specifically, to find the one who i can share that love with.

though i don't know if i'm ready for that kind of love just yet,

i am excited for it & hope to be prepared to embrace it when it arrives.
i am excited to be a wife!
i hope i will be a great wife one day.
you know, the kind that cooks, cleans, is fashionable, & rocks it!
haha, so i'll continue to prepare for when that time comes a few years down the road.

i love love!

i love loving people.

i am passionate about spreading love.

& to me, spreading love is not necessarily a romantic notion.

i try to express my love [platonic & romantic] for people

by doing things for them,

by saying things to them.

rarely are they arduous grand gestures,

rather, they are smaller seemingly insignificant acts;

cleaning up after friends dirtied the place;

noticing a positive about them & mentioning it;

wearing my heart on my sleeve for them to see.

i know most of these things are what people would describe as my character,

& they are i suppose, i'm just consciously doing them when i'm with those i adore.

until that day when i understand who i am going to be,

& who i will love unconditionally,

i hope to give love freely to those around me.

i put my whole heart into relationships of all sorts,

& though i may drop down a little here & there,

i will be able to get back up every time knowing there is more love out there.

like this song:

& after the storm,
i run & run as the rains come.
& i look up, i look up.
on my knees & out of luck i look up.
night has always pushed up day.
you must know life to see decay.
but i won't rot, i won't rot.
not this mind & not this heart; i won't rot.
& i took you by the hand & we stood tall.
& remembered our own land; what we lived for.
there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.
get over your hill & see what you find there,
with grace in your heart & flowers in your hair.
& now i cling to what i knew.
i saw exactly what is true, but oh no more.
that's why i hold,
that's why i hold with all i have.
that's why i hold.
& i will die alone & be left there.
well, i guess i'll just go home or god knows where.
because death is just so full & man so small.
well, i'm scared of what's behind & what's before.
there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

get over your hill & see what you find there,

with grace in your heart & flowers in your heart.

& there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

get over your hill & see what you find there,

with grace in your heart & flowers in your heart.

; as tears of sadness soak the ground

when life seems to be too heavy,

i think the best thing to do is put on a smile & push forward;

not letting people know the weight pressing down on your chest.

there's a myriad of ways life can beat you down,

but one should never stop smiling.

there are so many more things to be happy about!

the sunshine warming the earth beneath our feet,

memories made & memories to be made,

the sound naturally flowing water makes,

the way history has proved mankind to be a strong & enduring species,

or even the way a simple conversation with a simple friend can cheer you up.

i have an experiment i want to try out.

in my [time-tested] favorite city & colour song "body in a box",

dallas green sings,

"we celebrate the life of the dead.

it's like a man's best party only happens when he dies.

we gather around to pay our respects while their souls are still searching for the light.

searching for the light."

i am continually moved by dallas green's lyrics.

this song in particular, has moved me to wonder

what if i could make someone feel like they've had "their best party"

for just a day, while they're still living?

which brings me back to my experiment.

i'm going to find a way to make different people, each day, happy.

i want them to have at least 30 seconds where they feel supreme.

i want them to be momentarily cheered up, if they are feeling otherwise.

i want them to feel noticed amidst the chaos of life & friendship.

people need people.

our emotions can wear us down.

& every once in a while, we have to be reminded why

life is beautiful.

it can be difficult to remember why people say that.

there are disconnects in understanding that life is beautiful,

& remembering why this is so.

it's in those small moments when a friend compliments your clothes,

your intellect, your writing, your hair,

or your spirit that we catch glimpses of why life is so divine.

it's also in those 2 minutes we spend admiring someone else's grace

without thoughts of jealousy or envy.

today at work, a patient told me

(after discussing my schooling/career choices)

"you are very energetic & passionate.

i can see that you are committed to what you do,

& i think you will succeed in whatever you choose to do."

this was the first time i had met this patient,

& his words left me with a profound feeling of awe mingling with rising relief.

i was amazed with his selfless assessment of myself

during the time that was supposed to be spent focussed on his dental work.

i was also amazed by how simple it was for this man

to turn my day around in a matter of 30 seconds.

later tonight, i sat talking with a good friend of mine.

as we bantered back & forth

i again felt the same profound feeling i felt earlier this morning.

"you have a lot to talk about, anna, & i am here to listen

& at least pretend like i care." (said with slight sarcasm on that last bit).

peaceful relief abounded.

these were both simple conversations without consequence or importance,

& yet, they both had distinct gravity in my "emotional being" today.

the point is,

we can all make a difference in one another's happiness each day.

& i will be striving to act upon that ability more often than not.

my body is a cage

i want to leave utah... again.

i want to find new adventures,

encounter new emotions,

survive new experiences,

& meet new people.

car rides & dance parties

this weekend my grandparents were gracious enough to allow

my cousin isabelle & i to have a group of our friends

stay in their bear lake cabin.

it was an adventure, to say the least.

my friends, i believe, have officially titled me "mom" of our crew.

something about me cooking & cleaning all the time

& worrying too much.

here's a short video of some of our adventures.

enjoy!