rodya, i admit you're an intelligent chap, but you are a fool! (143)

existentialism!!
one of my most favorite topics in discussing philosophy or literature.

right now in my russian lit. class we are reading crime & punishment by fyodor dostoevsky.  & again i am being reminded why i love this book.  after today's discussion, i feel like running, stopping someone, jumping up & down, & spouting out all these thoughts i have coursing through my head until i & drop, wheezing: gasping for breath.

the main thought is, "existentialism: where do we draw the line?"

"...'or renounce life altogether!' he exclaimed suddenly, as if inspired, 'submit obediently, once for all, to destiny, as it is, & stifle everything within oneself, renouncing every right to act, to live, or to love!'

suddenly marmeladov's question of the previous day came back to him: 'do you understand, my dear sir, do you understand what it means to have nowhere left to turn to?  for every man must needs have somewhere to turn to'..." (38)

when does killing for the greater good become massacre?

"kill her, take her money, on condition that you dedicate yourself with its help to the service of humanity & the common good:  don't you think that thousands of good deeds will wipe out one little, insignificant transgression?"  (56)   

when does blatantly speaking the truth become insolence?

"but don't you see, man, nature must be guided & corrected, or else we should all be swamped with prejudices.  Otherwise there could never be one great man.  they talk of "duty, conscience" --i've got nothing to say against duty & conscience--but what are we to understand by them?"  (56)

when does self preservation become callous?

 "i read of how a condemned man, just before he died, said, or thought, that if he had to live on some high crag, on a ledge so small that there was no more than room for his two feet, with all about him the abyss, the ocean, eternal night, eternal solitude, eternal storm, & there he must remain, on a hand's-breadth of ground, all his life, a thousand years, through all eternity--it would be better to live so, than die within the hour?  only to live, to live!  no matter how--only to live! . . . how true!  lord, how true!  how base men are! . . . & he is worse who decries them on that account!"  (135)

- - -

just so you know, "much of crime & punishment is meant to be a rebuttal of chernyshevsky's ideas".  chernyshevsky was a progressive radical who "rejected traditional & religious ideas & stressed the influence of environment on man, human rationality & perfectability, & the advisability of seeking one's own advantage."

snoooooooop

so after posting a couple cat stevens in my last blog post, a couple of you friendly friends commented sharing your love for cat stevens & testifying of the beauty life still has to offer a young gal like myself.  this song was brought up once or twice.  so i thought i'd share a funny story about it with you.

when i was a little girl, my dad spoiled me with the music he loved as a growing boy.  cat stevens was one among others like neil young, the police, james taylor, eric clapton, & many other favorites of mine that my mom would (enjoy & therefore) permit listening to on the 2 hour drive to bear lake.

on one particular drive up to the lake, we were listening to the very best of cat stevens cd.  at this time, my favorite song from the album was "i've got a thing about seeing my grandson grow old" for the very same line cristie & amy mentioned:

"i've got no time for silly chitter chattahhh."

hook, line, & sinker!  i was in love.  & much like any other normal child, i drew a picture of what i perceived the lyrics to convey;  i drew the surface of the moon (craters & all) with a big garden.  surrounding this garden was a fence that had fans sitting on it & air conditioning the garden.  then there were music notes, coming from the plants, floating around the garden going out into space.  i was quite the 9 year old artist.

i remember giving that picture to my dad while we were driving & feeling good & super cool.  it was then that i determined to share this song with my two cousins.  when we arrived, i instantly took these two cousins (heather & isabelle) up to our bedroom to show them this awesome song; they were sure to love it.  so i pulled out my trusty old sony walkman, popped in the very best of cat stevens, plugged in my nice red speakers, clicked to track #4 & let the music flow.

it wasn't long (approx. 28 seconds) before isabelle & heather heard this very line that i loved, & found it to be the line they'd use to mock me.  repeating "chittah chattaaah!" over & over combined with their hysterical laughter & 9 year old puns ("hey anna, wanna chittah chattaaaah with me? ahahahaha!") seemed to be their clever choice mockery.  

clearly cat stevens has nothing when compared to snoop dogg's line, "snooooooooooooop".

so i'd try to ignore them, & say to myself, "it's ok. dad likes it." 

words of wisdom.
words. of. wisdom.

it means something more

this will forever be one of my favorite songs & coincidentally describes (almost) perfectly my thoughts right now.

this semester i'm taking a family foundations course.

surprise!  i'm learning so much about what it means to be married & start a family in the lds church.  with the more i learn, the more i become confident in my dating choices.

i used to think all that really mattered when i was dating someone was whether or not he & i shared similar interests, or if i was attracted to him.  as immature as this sounds, i know so many people more experienced than i who still believe these are the key factors in dating.  i wish so badly i could grant them the same understanding i've now gained through taking this course.  & yet i'd be sure to step on a few toes if i dared mentioned religion was my way of coming unto a greater understanding of what it means to love someone unconditionally.

this may be a little personal for a blog, but

i just want to say i know that one day i will be married to someone & we will have an eternal love.  i no longer live each day feeling ashamed because i'm still single & thinking "everyone around me is finding love except for me. why? what's wrong with me?".  i will continue to live each day working on the person i am & who i hope to become.  if i cannot find the qualities i'm searching for in myself, then how can i expect my future "one" to have them?

as henry david thoreau once said, "i wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, & see if i could not learn what it had to teach".

& so do i.

- - -

cat stevens usually has a way of summing things up for me.

the overall tone of these lyrics just get me right here everytime.

i feel just like a child

i have a few friends living in china right now, teaching english, same as i did. 

oh man, how i miss it when i read about their experiences on their blogs.

these are the kiddies i loved, cuddled, & pulled mass amounts of hair out for.

some of you already knew this

i have discovered something about myself (or should i say finally accepted?) while reading russian literature this semester.

i am a romantic.

i'm not a cynic, or a realist, although i do appreciate people who are.  i am an ardently lovesick, wildly imaginative, romantic.

(i don't know why its taken me so long to admit it.)
& this is my love playlist.

it reminds me of a time in the place where pandas are from

for those days i just want to get lost in my writing,
or wish i could be on one of my "alone time hikes"...

sing to me, sir john!

come away with me

last week was the beginning of midterms.

this week will be the end of them.

& though i love my classes, i have felt so very overwhelmed the past few days.  i'm studying like crazy & i have so much reading to do before next tuesday.

so far this semester, i've read 6 books for my russian literature class.  it feels awesome.  we start my favorite book next week......so excited.

i need to go to sleep...

ps:  last night i had the chance to talk to a couple of my good friends.

it really made me happy.

a day for love

in past years, i've always hated valentine's day.  & though i still don't like it, i've decided to look at it in a different light.

valentine's day should not be a designated day to go buy roses for that "special someone", or a day to brag on facebook about how much you love you got throughout the day.

today is a day to give love.  yes, this sounds like a commonly understood idea, but i am constantly surprised by how many people put the focus on themselves on february 14th.  we should take the time to tell those close to us that we love them, or appreciate them at the least.  it's always those small things that make us smile.

fresh start

i want to redecorate my blog.  i don't know if i remember how though.

i dream of punctuated senctences

i love my science class:  origins of the universe, earth & life.

my teacher is awesome (pretty sure he is also an intp).  it's what i look forward to every monday, wednesday & friday.  for the first time in my life, i felt sad when i was told we won't have class at all next week.

the only funny thing i've noticed about him is his speech.  he says

cilivization instead of civilization

mercrey instead of mercury

& a few others i can't remember right now.  but it's funny.

what is life?

i would just like to share this passage from the overcoat by nikolai gogol.

"The young officials laughed at and made fun of him, so far as their official wit permitted;  recounted there in his presence various stories concocted about him, and about his landlady, an old woman of seventy;  they said that she beat him;  asked when the wedding was to be;  and strewed bits of paper over his head, calling them snow.  But Akakii Akakievich answered not a word, as though there had been no one before him.  It even had no effect upon his employment: amid all these molestations he never made a single mistake in a letter.

But if the joking became utterly intolerable, as when they jogged his hand, and prevented his attending to his work, he would exclaim, "Leave me alone!  Why do you insult me?"  And there was something strange in the words and the voice in which they were uttered.  There was in it a something which moved to pity; so that one young man, lately entered, who, taking pattern by the others, had permitted himself to make sport of him, suddenly stopped short, as though all had undergone a transformation before him, and presented itself in a different aspect.  Some unseen force repelled him from the comrades whose acquaintance he had made, on the supposition that they were well-bred and polite men.  And long afterwards, in his gayest moments, there came to his mind the little official with the bald forehead, with the heart-rending words, "Leave me alone!  Why do you insult me?"  And in these penetrating words, other words resounded-- "I am thy brother."  And the poor young man covered his face with his hand; and many a time afterwards, in the course of his life, he shuddered at seeing how much inhumanity there is in man, how much savage coarseness is concealed in delicate, refined worldliness and, O God! even in that man whom the world acknowledges as honorable and noble."

this passage had such a profound influence on my thought process when i read it.  how many of us have felt this way before?  how many people have found themselves being the ridiculed official?  & yet, how many of us have not stopped someone from being ridiculed when we knew, deep in our hearts, it was wrong?

please, remember me.

so, doe, la, fa, tea, doe, ray.

i'm currently watching the sound of music & boy how i love this movie.

i have a crush on georg.

i would love to dance the laendler one day, it's probably one of my most favorite scenes.

sunrise, sunrise of 5/12/99

well folks, it's been a little over a month since we put max down.
it's no longer hard to accept, just hard to think about.  there have been many things on my mind of late.  thoughts of who i want to be, where i want to go, & how i can do these things.

i'm not going to tell you why, but this will be my last "weekly blog" about max.  i know it was one of my new year's resolutions, but better judgment's going to have to veto this one.  (sorry, i know you all loved hearing me retell my memories).

one of my most treasured memories of max, aside from the many confidential walk'n'talks, took place sometime between "don't let the bed bugs bite" & "can you make me some cherrios?", when i was almost 9 years old.

as max got older, (& more mature?) we allowed him to sleep in the room that i shared with rachel.  my parents hated when he'd jump onto our beds, but we loved it.  that didn't stop me from telling him to come "up!  max, up!"  one particular night, after he'd been kicked off my bed by my parents, i fell asleep without further protest.  the following morning, i rolled over into a mouthful of red & blonde fur.

max had snuck back onto my bed, & slyly replaced my pillow during the night.

quickly, i woke rachel up & sent her to fetch a camera, being careful not to wake the still sleeping, precious, pillow of love.  rachel wasn't fast enough.  by the time she got back, he had woken up, but he didn't move.  we stayed cuddled together while rachel snapped a quick picture, which at the time, i thought had lost its value because he wasn't still asleep.

little did i know how much this picture would mean to me now.

as hard as it is to say goodbye, it's even harder to remember what could so easily be forgotten.

distant camera  by neil young

the flash of a distant camera,

reconnecting thoughts & actions:

fragments of our missing dreams.

pieces from here & there

fall in place along the line

disappearing between you & me.

life is changing everywhere i go.

new things & old both disappear.

if life is a photograph fading in the mirror,

all i want is a song of love,

song of love to sing for you.

all i need is this song of love to sing for you.

on the floor where daylight dances,

with the ones who missed their chances

when they couldn't let it show,

lies the land of sweet surrender.

like a dream, it might've ended there

but we didn't even know.

now forever we will live as one

floating in love's atmosphere.

if love is a piece of dust shining in the sun

all i want is a song of love,

song of love to sing for you.

all i need is this song of love to sing for you.

song of love...

song of love...

love is all from what i've heard

my roommates are cosmetologists

 this is madison (blonde) & lisa (brunette).

& they made me look sassy for this dance party last weekend.

hair, make-up, & a hot get-up.

the main attraction of this hot get-up though, was maddie's 5" black heels:

intense.

 

 

 

we had to walk to the party... in the ice-freezing-cold.

since i'm really good at walking in heels, i carried them & wore other shoes.

                            ^

 the after party ^

be a man

while i was in china, i traveled to xi'an with 5 of my girls.

the thing i most looked forward to seeing while i was in china was the terracotta warriors museum.

this is in xi'an.

we filmed a music video to mulan's "i'll make a man out of you" that i just finally finished piecing together & editing.

here it is.