nik was called to serve

in the russia, moscow mission!

top of utah

guys!  i did it.  i ran a marathon.
check that off the bucket list.  woot woot!

i had an awful time of 05:17:24 (that's a 12:06 mile pace), but i still did it.
for now, that will suffice.

next year, i'll do better since i'll be in the st. george marathon.

my sister had a fantastic marathon (this was her second) & finished at 03:49:17 (an 08:45 mile).

she finished in 3rd place for her female age range!

congrats to her.

i'd be lying if i didn't say i wanted to beat her time next year.

though i doubt i actually will, i'll still train for it.

training is key.

this marathon taught me that big time.

heel-click it

finally!  i have finished a video from our most recent st. george trip.
it's nothing fancy, just some fun clips of our experience.

we're glad to have all our mission boys home.

now we're just waiting on the girls...

the 5 stages of incessant pop music

i think, some people actually like pop music.  i imagine they get in their cars, flip on the radio, & contently--no, excitedly listen to whatever new song some sell-out record company paid a pretty face to sing... & then they sing along to it.

not me--i don't do that.  i mean, i don't do that at first.  but sometimes, these darn bubblegum pop songs are unavoidably catchy.  this is the case with taylor swift's newish song, "we are never ever getting back together".

stage #1  -  denial

i was driving with my family when my brother nik first showed us the song.  he, being a loyal t. swift lover, showed it to the family & denied any idea that taylor swift could have co-written such pathetic lyrics to a song.  this is seriously a taylor swift song?  no way, i can't believe it.  the song wasn't licensed to be on youtube yet, so we could only hear distorted chipmunk versions of it.  i decided to give it the benefit of the doubt, until i got home & could hear the "real" version.

stage #2  -  anger

it was another week before i heard the "real" version of this song.  i had sat down in my car, devastated once i realized my ipod was dead, & reluctantly flipped on the radio.  (sometimes, i can't drive without music. literally.)  "....never ever ever getting back together.  you go talk to--" what the heck?  taylor, seriously?  what is wrong with artists these days?  i changed the station, only to hear "...remember when we broke up, the first time. saying this is it, i've had enough..."  so i turned off the radio & opted to listen to my 12 year old brother's cd mix he made 4 years ago of slightly less annoying rock-pop songs.

stage #3  -  compromising

a couple weeks later i was in st. george with some friends.  i had some unknown catchy tune stuck in my head.  ooooooh-ooo-oo-oo-ooooh  i couldn't help but sing it over & over again until my friend chimed in the rest of the lyrics, "this time, i'm telling you, i'm telling you, we--" crap!  that's that song? i hastily explained how i didn't realize what i was singing & we mutually expressed our dislike for it.  ....but it's so catchy!  & did you know the whole music video was made in one continuous shot?

stage #4  -  depression/defeat

after rationalizing my way into purchasing this song on itunes, i was overcome with disappointment.  i gave in again?  but this music is so bad.  i can't believe myself.  i am just as worthless as other pop-music sell-outs. the only thing that could drown out my own thoughts of self-degradation was the same bubblegum pop song that had started this whole mess.  but in a tantrum like manner, i exited itunes & shut off my computer without even putting the song onto my ipod.

stage #5  -  acceptance

i guess it's not thaaaaat bad... i wonder if nik likes it yet? will he judge me if i sing it around him..?  screw it.

ps:  this is my attempt at being funny.  sort of like one of my favorite blogs... www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

rods vs cones

midnight draws weary eyes

& stars pull on tender heart strings.

the moon sings a song seducing mind & soul.

dawn rolls over awakening the restless body,

held beside the other body,

who slumbers softly, sweetly unaware.

sunlight draws forehead kisses,

her body sees his body's piercing blue eyes.

his body sees her body's fluttering black lashes.

morning breaths flood blank, mental canvases,

illuminating peaceful reflections on every window.

sparrows sing simple songs

reminding pain to stay where it belongs;

in the closed arms of old journals.

noon comforts the body with warmth.

her body sees clouds shading the blue sky with relief.

his body sees white clouds shaping the sun in hope.

affirmation grows in the discerning petals & grass,

the beauty they lie in abounds.

crows fail to call her body's fear forward,

love may not come here anymore

demands a stifled haunted past.

evening savors the myriad of new memories made

& rolling into his body's arms weakens the darkness' grasp.

his body sees her body's quiet eyes.

i love you.

her body sees his body's sincere heart.

i love you, more.

...

as i lay here, awake, at 2:46am

my body & mind are filled to the brim with brewing thoughts & emotions.

excitement. exhaustion. disappointment. weariness. love. hope. determination.

i want to share a quote i heard in institute several weeks ago

that has been swimming around in my brain since.

elder maxwell said,

"the same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millennia before it appeared over bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to placement of each of us in precise human orbits so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others but warm them as well."

though i struggle with the fantasies of "fate", i do believe this quote holds fast to wisdom;

some people are divinely placed in our lives.

i am grateful to many people & in loving debt to many more.

one of those people is my dear friend, leah.

as i watch my best friend go through beautiful phases of love in her life,

one can only help but stand amazed, gazing at the way her life has changed for the good.

i don't know how to explain it,

but the only person i can credit my amazement to is the savior, jesus christ.

the love & forgiveness he has for us all is bountiful & beautiful.

whether our fears be big or small, new or old,

he calms our hearts, steadies our minds,

grants peace into our lives.

he will always love us. 

on top of the world

another video that's been a long time coming

& has finally arrived!

enjoy.

some days

here's another over due video folks.

enjoy!

let's see how far we've come

forgive me for i promised this video at the beginning of summer,

& then got swept off my feet by the busy joys of summer loving!

it's not my best, but enjoy.

i know the fiction of the fix

last saturday,
i had a long overdue daddy/daughter date.

after dinner at the pie pizzeria,

my dad & i went to see one of our mutual favorite musicians perform;

fiona apple.

she was phenomenal.

"pure, exhilarating, emotional molestation."

as my dad described our postconcert feeling.

fiona played a grand range of songs covering all four of her albums equally.

some of my favorites,

tears were puddling in my eyes as fiona's slightly tormented, melodious voice
illuminated the concert hall with her poetic lyrics

"& when the crowd becomes your burden

& you've early closed your curtains,

i'll wait by the backstage door

while you try to find

the lines to speak your mind.

& pry it open, hopin' for an encore.

& if it gets too late, for me to wait

for you to find you love me & tell me so,

it's ok.  don't need to say it."

i know.
i didn't think it possible to be more beautifully played than already recorded,

but, graciously, i was proved wrong.

inspiring.

i left her concert wanting to do nothing but write, travel, & follow my dreams.  as did my dad.

if you think i'm passionate, you ought to hear him talk about how her show made him feel.

my dad is the one of the most passionate people i know.

"here, we need to hug.  we don't hug enough."
were my dad's first words after fiona finished thanking the crowd for the standing ovation.
i love him.

prior to fiona's performance, the guitarist playing in her band opened up the show

by playing a few of his own pieces.

one of his songs in particular stood out to me:

i loved the mood set by his solo performance of this song;

soothing.

"it'll all work out."

there are times for each of us in life when we are blinded by our close range vision.

we fear our faults & mistakes without recognizing the lessons or strengths being developed.

this, i think, is human nature.

& what a comfort it can be to hear the cliched phrase it'll all work out.

what i find pure about this phrase is the keyword "work".

when a problem presents itself, often times, it won't just go away.

you have to take a step or two back, alter your plans, & work your way through.

you have to be malleable.

life helps you become malleable.

we are like the delicate stems of growing flowers.

growing toward the light in order to attain a state of blooming beauty.

it is in our patience, enduring hearts, & our hopeful dispositions 

that the fate of our blossoms lie.

no blessing is given freely.

we must endeavor.

& in the immortal words of the beatles,

we can work it out.

catching rays 101

summer has begun.

forget

i've been listening to this lovely gem as of late.

lianne la havas

i love her voice & i'm diggin' her rad, laid-back style.

enjoy!

the encounter

so... picture this.

both of your parents are out of town.

you're asleep in your room.  it's 4am.

you wake up to the sound of boxes & books falling down, in a room down your hall.

you see cop car lights flashing through your window (outside your house).

you realize "someone's in my house & i don't have a weapon nearby".

you go to open your bedroom door to see a short, heavy set, latino woman standing

also, holding onto your door handle, presumably trying to come inside.

she then tries to shut you back in saying, "oh sorry! go back to bed!" --ever so politely.

you pull your door open to find this woman break down begging you to hide her.

"who are you?  what are you doing in my house?!  what's going on?"

"oh please!  you have to hide me, the police are looking for me!  they have a warrant out for my arrest!"

this woman, begging for help, is wearing nothing but a tank top, jeans, & socks.

again you ask, "what is going on?  why are the police looking for you??"

"please, please, please don't turn me in!  i crashed my friend's car outside & they are looking for me!

please, please!  you have to hide me!  please don't turn me in!"

finally, your sister wakes up & comes into the hallway with you.

"who are you?  why are the police looking for you?"

& then her story begins.

"i'm a meth addict.

i was raped by my grandfather when i was young, that's why i started meth.

then i got clean for 3 1/2 years, but then a guy broke my heart,

so it was a stupid reason, but i started meth again.  i lost my house in bountiful,

& my two jobs & i'm out on bail & the cops have a warrant out for my arrest.

please!  you can't turn me in.  please hide me, please don't make me go to jail!

i was speeding, driving my friend's car & the cops tried to pull me over

& i tried to get away because they will arrest me, 

& i crashed into the garage & now they're looking for me!  please don't make me go to jail!"

to your dismay, your 11 year old brother then wakes up

& walks out to where you are standing with this woman.

you hush him & send him back to bed.  your sister walks him back,

he asks if it is our friend & she tells him to not worry & to go back to sleep.

he does.

"please don't make me go to jail!  i am a good person.  you can go back to bed, i will just sit here.

please, please, please, please!"

she sits in the fetal position on your floor, rocking back & forth.  begging.

your sister comes back & turns on a light.

"please turn off your light!  please, please, please!  the police will see your lights & come in!"

your sister dims the lights, so she will calm down.

you remember you have a brother upstairs, alone.

so with your sister & this woman sitting at the base of your basement stairs,

you walk upstairs saying you're just looking for your brother.

he's ok, but frightened.  locked himself in your parents' empty bedroom.

you look out the window & see how badly she has destroyed the neighbors' garage with her car.

in addition to the 3 cop cars parked right outside your house,

you notice the trained german shepherd sniffing the neighbors' lawn.
you realize that you now have two options:
1) you can go back downstairs, try to get her to leave peacefully,
& then inform the police of where she is.
or
2) you can bring the police through your front door,
knowing that the second this woman (who might be high on meth) hears the police inside, she will panic,
while she's alone, with your sister, & your 11 year old brother is just down the hall.
you need to protect your family.

so you rush back downstairs after less than 30 seconds of being upstairs.

she looks at you, you say, "you need to leave our house.  now."

she says, "you are making me go to jail!  please don't make me go.  where are we?

can i just call my friend to come get me?"

your sister says, "you can leave & walk down to highland drive.  you can't stay here."

she calls 2 friends in a panic.  no one will come pick her up.

"can you drive me out in your car, just down your street?  please!"

"no!  you are scaring our brothers & you need to leave our house now.  you cannot stay here."

"ok, ok, ok.  do you have a number for a cab i can call?  please!"

"no.  you need to leave now."

"please, don't make me go!  you are sending me to jail!  they will get me!"

"listen, you have disrupted our home, we cannot help you.

you can either go to jail through the front door, to the cops, or through the back door.

but you need to leave now."

"ok, ok, ok.  please do you have shoes or a black jacket i can wear?!  they will see me!

they will catch me, please, you're sending me to jail!"

you have a pair of old, slippery, flip flops you may never wear again sitting on your floor.

you're wanting & willing to do anything to get her to leave your house.
so you give them to her.

& when she begs, "ok, can i please just use your bathroom before?  i gotta go!  please."

you walk her to the bathroom down the hall,

& stand in the doorway noticing your brother's shaving razor sitting on a shelf above the toilet.

not quite watching, but guarding, you allow her to use the toilet--without shutting the door.

after she's finished, your sister walks her to the back door.

you look at the window she came through, to see the damage done.

nothing is broken, but she's grabbed sweaters from a nearby clothes rack.

your sister takes the sweaters, saying,

"you can't take these.  they are ours.  we gave you shoes, now go."

she steps into the stairwell & asks one last favor.

"please turn off your motion sensor light!  they will see me!  you're sending me to jail."

"i'm sorry, we can't turn it off.  the switch is on the light."

the door shuts & she hesitates in your stairwell.

it is then that your sister verbally panics saying, "anna she isn't leaving!  oh my, what do we do?!"

you wait for her to leave your stairwell, rush upstairs to see if she is in your backyard

or where she goes, but can't see anything.

less then a minute after she walks out of your basement door,

you walk out front to inform the officers still searching the neighbors' yard.

"the woman you are looking for just broke into my house & left through our backyard."

they call for back-up & take the dog to the back.

all of this taking place in less than 15 minutes.

4 news interviews, several police interviews & statements,

& countless phone calls between the neighbors & your parents later,

you learn she has still not been found.

you learn she had stolen beer from a gas station & that's what started her chase.

you learn the police received a phone call 2 hours later

about a suspicious woman trying to break into a house a few blocks over.

you see the picture of the suspect, & recognize her face.

you learn this woman has a $25,000 warrant out for her arrest for a long history of drug abuse.

but after treating yourself to breakfast at otc with your neighbors',

& a series of concerned phone calls & texts from loving friends & family,

you rest calmed.

this story is a true story.

it was my morning.

this woman broke into my house.

both of my parents are out of town,

luckily, along with the brother whose room she broke into.

don't worry folks, we are safe.

we've double & triple checked all of our windows' locks,

we've got the eyes of our loving neighbors on us.

we are safe.

here are the news reports (i like channel 5 ksl best).

kutv channel 2 news

abc channel 4 news

channel 5 ksl news

fox 13 news

here's the ksl story:

allyson vavro, ladies & gentlemen.
my wake up call.

a blrb

it has been too long since i've last posted & i'm ever so sorry.

here are a few blrb's about what's happened since we last visited.

1- i went camping with some pals & had a blast without getting any sleep!

2- i hiked mt. olympus with some pals & found out i'm in worse shape than i thought.

but it was beautiful.  (a video will be coming soon).

3- hiked up to a fun little lake with some more pals & got in the freezing cold water.

4- my brother nik had prom.  cut his long hair.  & looked stellar.

5- i fell in love with ingrid michaelson again.

music heaven

i just read a lengthy interview on my 2nd favorite artist, dallas green of city & colour.

in it he discusses his inspiration & there are several mentions of my favorite artist, neil young.

one part reads,

"”i don't necessarily know if there's just one direct person who's made me want to get better at writing but i'm always listening & i'm always writing.  i think whenever i listen to neil young he always makes me want to be better & i think that's just because of the career he's been able to carve out for himself; always doing whatever he's wanted to do, you know? if he wants to play a really loud rock song, he does that.  if he wants to play a really quiet acoustic song, he does that too.  you just expect the unexpected from him.  i'm inspired by that idea every time i listen to him,” says green in earnest."

i love it.

i love dallas green & i love neil young.

this article/interview also says neil young has been a major inspiration

for dallas green's next chapter in writing... aka, his next album.

this is just the best news!

i think they should tour together & come to salt lake city.

who's with me?

they're fellow canadians so it could work.

foolin' around

wednesday night i went to the black keys concert.

it was too much fun!

conley came with me.

he cracks me up.

it was a good night sitting with him,

jamming to my favorite tunes,

& secretly mocking the girls getting high in front of us.

the black keys were awesome.

dan auerbach wailed on the guitar.

 but my favorite moment was when they played my favorite baby-makin' song:

everlasting light.

it was the first of their encore songs

which they played with disco balls rotating bouncing light of them

in a very psychedelic manner.

i loved it.

thursday i got my wisdom teeth out.

as far as i can tell,

the anesthesia & pain meds have had no effect on my ability to articulate.

however, my family repeatedly tells me i was acting very strange.

lindsay came to visit me [the sweetheart].

& i decided to watch jaws in honor of removing 4 teeth from my jaw.

while i was watching jaws,

i had a surprise visit from slams!

then along came conley, whitney, & curtis.

they took me to get my ice cream & pudding fix since i'm on a liquid only diet.

it sucks.

later that night dearest isabelle brought me a smoothie

& we sat & chatted about boys, her mission, & stuff.

friday came along soon enough,

& the nicest guy carterini brought me a tiger's blood frazzle!

i've never had a frazzle before.

it was good.

friday night was fun.

it was a sibling hang out session between the estradas & diederichs.

zunu & johanna with me & rachel

+ carter haha.

we sat taking pictures & making videos on photobooth

then watched a few slightly creepy home videos

where my siblings & i had formed an elaborate "wet pants tribe" ritual

in order to prank our pops into sitting in a bowl of water.

it worked [of course].

anyway, my head still hurts but there's not much we can do about that.

& in case anyone was wondering, all liquid diets suck.

& no, it's not as much fun as you'd think to sit & eat pudding & ice cream all day.

it's not like it sounds.

i want a bean & cheese burrito from del taco.

i want baked artichoke.

i want a turkey & cheese sandwich with mustard.

i want foooooooood!

buckets of moonbeams in my hands

my life of late has been evolving rapidly.

so. guess. what.

i applied for a part-time writing position at the cottonwood-holladay journal,

& they called me back to schedule an interview for the position!

i am so excited.

finally a "real life" job that i may actually be sincerely interested in.

i mean, dentistry is great, but i've come to learn it's really not for me.

just because you can do something well doesn't mean you should do it, right?

where is the passion in that?

anywhooo

so in addition to this interview,

my dating life has taken a turn for the best this past month.

i've been on several dates which have all turned out exceedingly well.

i am very happy.

but guess what now...

i have been the worst kind of procrastinator.

despite my position in the dental field, i have ignored my need for wisdom teeth removal.

now, i am suffering near-excruciating jaw pain (resonating through my sinus & lymph nodes).

i made an emergency appointment this thursday at 1:20pm to have them removed.

yikes!

but, i'm also sortof excited.

i always love the hilarious stories that come from post-extraction situations.

who knows what i may do... so folks, beware.

oh! one last thing.

my dear friend kalli & i were scheduled to attend the black keys concert

this wednesday evening.

but due to a family tragedy, kalli can't come!

that would be the 3rd concert in a row i'd be attending alone.

friend, after friend, after friend couldn't come,

until dearest conley agreed to suffer my company for a few hours at the concert.

phew. i won't be alone.

i love these guys.

porcelain fists

well folks,

my sister told me i'm officially a loser.

haha, due to my friends' procrastination habits,

i ended up going to another concert by myself last night.

ingrid michaelson

it was fantastic!

ingrid is hilarious, & i loved everything about the concert;

the stage set up, the songs, & the crowd.

when i got home, i tweeted

"went to the @ingridmusic concert tonight. by myself. again. it's becoming a habit. #imaloser #nbd".

& GUESS WHAT

elliot jacobson (ingrid's drummer) tweeted me back saying,

"@annadiederich not a loser. thank you for coming!"

haha, so my day was made complete when i woke up this morning to find that tweet.

exciting huh?

enjoy some of the songs she performed last night ever so magically.

in your light

my life has changed over the weekend.
i am feeling so happy!
there are bittersweet emotions this week though.
my good friend megan is leaving to serve an lds mission in albania tomorrow.
although i will miss her immensely, i am so excited for her!
this is a fantastic adventure, & she will have the time of her life
learning things she'll treasure the rest of her life.
friday night we had a sleepover with some of our closest girl friends
as a "goodbye sleepover".
here's a short video of our night together.



life is rad.
don't waste it on petty emotions.

the roses are in my hand

i discovered a new side of beauty to this song last week

& have been mauling over how to express to you what it means to me since then.

dreaming with a broken heart  by: john mayer

when you're dreaming with a broken heart

the waking up is the hardest part.

you roll out of bed, & down on your knees,

& for a moment you can hardly breathe.

wondering, was she really here?

is she standing in my room?

no, she's not.

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart

the giving up is the hardest part.

she takes you in with her crying eyes

then, all at once, you have to say goodbye.

wondering, could you stay, my love?

will you wake up by my side?

no, she can't.

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

do i have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?

would you get them if i did?

no, you won't.

'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart

the waking up is the hardest part.

many people look at this song as a break-up song,  as do i.

however, i think it also proves worthy of being representative of any kind of lost love.

whether that's due to death, distance, broken relationships, or spiritual heartbreak.

for simplicity's sake though,

i want to talk about how this song applies to my current single status.

what originally caught my attention was the ever-romantic lyrics,

"& for a moment you can hardly breathe,

wondering, was she really here?"

it's that feeling of being so humbled by a lost love,

you are amazed that it could ever have existed.
that that person could ever have stood in your room;

breathtaking.
& then there's:

"do i have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?

would you get them if i did?

no, you won't.

'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone."

i have felt this way not just in relationships, but in friendships as well.

wanting so desperately to give everything you have to someone,

but realizing you can't because they're "gone".

roses generally symbolize love,

but they can also represent things that are sweet, lovely, or beautiful.

the roses i wish i could give
are the words i never said.

the things i always felt,
but never expressed in full.

& i dream of giving them, not necessarily to bring someone back,

rather, to simply let them know how it was for me.

there's also a part of me that just loves to make people happy.

i want to tell someone how much i admire, adore, appreciate, & love them,

but in waking up, i realize i can't.

they're not mine to admire, adore, appreciate, or love anymore.

they're gone.

there's so much more to this song than i can express in this simple blog post.

i love it so much,

that in just writing out what it means to me--

i get that hard lump that hurts caught in the middle of my throat.

so just listen & feel.
watch & enjoy.

free bird

book #5  outliers  by: malcolm gladwell

rating:  8

i generally don't read self-help or psychology books,

but i found this one very interesting.

gladwell discusses his theory on how people rise to success.

he suggests that it isn't simply luck & innovative hardwork

that creates people like steve jobs, rather,

people are born into prime situations that mobilizes the opportunity for their success.

i found this book to be a bit inspiring in looking at success.

i would recommend it to any person of highschool age + looking at life's possibilities,

as well as anyone looking to have a good (fairly easy) read.

the whole time i was reading outliers,

i couldn't help but examine the areas in my life which were

applicable to what gladwell was discussing;

dreams, life, careers etc.

& as i examined my own life,

i was constantly reminded of my free bird necklace:

a beautiful necklace that has a gold feather charm on it.

when i was given this necklace for christmas, i loved the style & beauty of it,

but what i found myself loving even more was what it represented;

accompanying it was a title card inside the box reading,

"FREE BIRD

make a wish & put on your necklace.  feathers are symbols of freedom.

they awaken our curiosity & open our hearts & minds to possibility.

wear your necklace as a reminder to follow your dreams..."

those of you who know me know that i am a dreamer.

i am a romantic, an idealist, a free spirit.

& when i read books like outliers & wear necklaces that represent being a free bird,

i am filled with an elated sense of possibility.

life is beautiful, daunting, & open to me.

two months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me.

(i doubt that comes as a surprise to anyone who reads my posts).

when someone i am crazy about puts me in a hopeless state of mind,

i try so hard to focus on anything but what's going on inside.

so, like any mature college student,

i started looking for ways i could runaway from my current situation.

in short,

the night after carson broke up with me i applied for

the university of alaska southeast (juneau campus).

i got in!

i was to go there fall of 2012 & time couldn't move fast enough.

it has been a dream of mine since junior high to live in alaska.

the mountains, trees, ocean life, weather & seclusion of it all is so enticing to me.

alas, this dream will have to wait a little longer.

last week i had an emotional break down,

when i realized that the combined expenses of tuition, housing, & cost of living

would be too much for what i can [independently] make before i'd leave.

i'm trying to stand on my own two feet.

i want to move out & slowly ween myself off of my parents' money.

the ability to do so before i'm married & have to is another dream of mine.

some dreams have to be put on the back-burner while other ones take precedence.

alaska will have to wait.

independence comes first.

anyway,

what i'm trying to convey to you is not how dreams come true,

rather, that they can come true.

maybe not all at once,

but eventually.

i sincerely hope you all have a good day today, folks.

enjoy!

flashback

driving home from st. george today,

rachel's ipod threw me back to elementary school/junior high days.

back when my sister was getting albums like:

i was whistling the tune to a different genre.

besides the music i got from dad, albums like:

were what filled my original ipod mini.

i was always the edgy, different sister,

rachel was always the blue-eyed angel.

i couldn't help but laugh as the following songs played on rachel's ipod

& as i happily sang every word by heart.

whoa let it shine

you know those times when 

you lie in bed preparing a long & passionate speech for someone,

in case they say something to provoke it out of you?

but when that moment comes & they opportunistically say

exactly what you've been waiting for them to say,

["hey" or "you good?"]

all thoughts of poetically describing the way you want to crawl into their arms

& burrow away from everything defying the existence of what you feel for them,

or whispers how all you want to do is touch that funny shoulder bone of theirs

once more, for old times' sake,

disappear.

so instead of saying the things you thought you were prepared to say,

all you can mutter is a believable "hey" or "yeah."

you know those moments?

they happen to me a bunch,

but not because i'm always dying to express my unrequited love,

or because am desperately consumed by my emotions.

rather because i paint a colorful world in my head.

a world modelled after the many romantic '50's & '80's movies i've seen,

where a girl like me falls in love with a guy like him.

& after all the seemingly insurmountable hardships of life & love appear to have taken their toll,

he stands outside my window with a boombox

blasting some perfect song like "in your eyes" by peter gabriel.

or he runs away from a job he hates so that he can join me on a ship to paris

because he finally realizes he loves me.

or he sings "can't take my eyes off of you" by frankie valli to me on the football stadium speakers

because he knows he screwed up & wants to win me back.

or he pretends to be some hot shot he's not just because

he knows it'll catch my favorable attention.

or as he walks away from kissing me, i want him to thrust his fist into the air

'cause he knows he's finally got me.

aside from all these romantic movies i wished shaped the love stories in my life,

there's this scene in this movie

"he's just not that into you"

that essentially defines my life.

here it is.

watch it.

because you know what?

love is great.

& even though i'm not ready for marriage or anything like that, i love love.

i love relationships & i love the way they make you feel.

i love the ability to throw myself out there,

wearing my heart on my sleeve,

& getting hurt.

i told my best guyfriend last night after he had finished telling me to

stop putting so much into my relationships & to prioritize school & work more like he does,

"you know, i put my whole heart into relationships. not just romantic ones, but friends also.

& i may get hurt by guys a lot more than you are by girls,

but at least i know that the way i feel before i get hurt

is better than any of the 'happiness' you feel in not getting hurt.

it's worth it to me."

he told me i crossed the boundary between making a statement & venting.

i'm passionate; what can i say?

haha, besides, he's used to it.

anyyywayyy

i guess what i am trying to say is that

despite my insecurities about love in life,

i know that i'll have it one day.

i'll have it & i'll love it.

even if humphrey bogart isn't the man my guy derives his relationship advice from,

even if john hughes or cameron crowe don't direct or write the script of our time together,

even if our love story is as cliche & repetitive as a taylor swift song,

i will still love it & dance around my room singing it day & night.

but for now, summertime is on its way.

whoa let it shine.

or, for those days when my lonely heart will not cease to knock on my walls,
i'll feed it this:

over, & over, & over.

despite your psuedo-bohemian appearance

tonight was the concert.

plans with who i originally was supposed to go with fell through

& none of my friends really cared to go either.

so i went alone.

[as usual]

haha, but don't worry!

i made friends!

can you believe it?  i can, hardly.

their names are danny & vaughn.

i know it sounds like i made them up, but trust me, i didn't.

there were 3 opening bands for say anything.

through out the first 2, i made a total of 8 awkward eye-contacts with denny.

i promise, i'm not a creep.

finally, they called me over & we became friends.

woo hoo!

we enjoyed the rest of the concert together jammin' to some of my favorites:

color my life with the chaos of trouble

festival of colors was on saturday, however due to time restraints & traffic, i was unable to go.

so my dearest leah & i had a makeshift festival of colors;

aka a paint war.

true story

you guys.

i have officially begun my book.

i am writing a book!

i know it's not going to be anything too grand, or profound,

but i finally started it.

it's a compilation of memories & stories about a girl my age [surprise].

almost two months ago, i became compulsive about writing down my memories,

so i wouldn't lose them amidst my memories yet made.

that's when i bought this striped composition notebook,

in which i've written the first few pages of my book.

people keep telling me that i should write a book,

but i never thought i had it in me until that night at walmart.

i picked up an order of pictures, looked at them,

& thought, "screw it.  i'm just going to try it."

problem is, i got home & didn't know what to write about.

i usually post blogs about my feelings & music,

but who wants to read a book all about the not-so-complex feelings

of a 21 year old college girl & how her music choice helps her out?

no one, err at least, not i.

it wasn't until i read a sappy love chapter out of a book my friend is writing,

that i finally thought it would be ok to just try writing one

even if it has a lot to do with the cliche complexities of
a college girl balancing her life's schedule between finding love, family, school, & work.

so here i am;

3 pages in & feelin' good.

wish me luck!

i'll show you where my demons hide from you

i am not a very strong person.

i revel in the severity of my emotions.

when i feel the deep pang of sorrow,

the kind that crumbles your insides & curdles your cries,

although i can't stop the pain,

i love the profound ability to feel;

to be aware of my living body & consciousness.

the same love exists for almost any range of emotion,

particularly, joy, excitement, & sorrow.

i am one of those girls who gets so excited or full of happiness

that i can't seem to contain it:

i clench my fists, jump, stomp my feet, & release small yells

all while wearing a smile on my face.

when i am alone or when i'm with someone i feel secure with

are when my emotions manifest themselves in full.

after closing my bedroom door on a romantic night

i reveal my inexplicably wide grin,

throw my hands into the air & sink to the floor.

i dance around my room singing,

fall back onto my bed daydreaming,

my insides twisting with joy.

then, when i'm sad,

i cry.

after a mandatory battle with my desire to be unharmed,

i eventually succumb to momentary weakness.

driving alone in my car, i yell out my disparity.

i cry for the turn of events.

i sing sad lyrics through the sobs & blurry vision.

& after i have seemingly cried my heart out,

i park the car to allow my red, blotchy face to normalize.

but the images & words keep flooding my mind with salt water,

that seeps into my eyes & onto my sweatshirt.

that's when i roll the windows down,

take two deep breaths & finish my drive home.

just two days ago, i was sweeping our kitchen floor when

a particular song came playing its memories on my ipod & in my heart.

what did i do?

well, i was alone so i had no trouble enjoying the sweet misery of

what was & could have been.

but it was a beautiful day, & as i shook the dust off our rugs,

i heard a robin singing.

the loss of my sight amidst the dust & wind

allowed me to focus on what i could hear & feel;

the sun warming my skin,

the robin's gentle song,

& a lyrical memory fading in the background.

life has a way of carrying people in & out of our life,

bringing with them all these moments of joy, sorrow, & excitement.

i will forever cherish these moments & long for the day when i can look back on them,

recalling the way i felt, but not having another bittersweet emotion tail-ending it.

for although i love the power of deep emotions,

i look forward to the day when i regain the stability to balance them out.

life before you know who you're gonna be

the events of this past weekend has made me realize something.

i watched my cousin eliza on one of the most important days of her life, blushing & overjoyed.

as she spoke about how blessed she feels to finally have found the one

who will love her continuously & unwaveringly

as they travel life's winding paths together,

i was brought to tears.

i realized that one of my biggest dreams, passions, & wishes

is to love & be loved "with a love that is more than love".

specifically, to find the one who i can share that love with.

though i don't know if i'm ready for that kind of love just yet,

i am excited for it & hope to be prepared to embrace it when it arrives.
i am excited to be a wife!
i hope i will be a great wife one day.
you know, the kind that cooks, cleans, is fashionable, & rocks it!
haha, so i'll continue to prepare for when that time comes a few years down the road.

i love love!

i love loving people.

i am passionate about spreading love.

& to me, spreading love is not necessarily a romantic notion.

i try to express my love [platonic & romantic] for people

by doing things for them,

by saying things to them.

rarely are they arduous grand gestures,

rather, they are smaller seemingly insignificant acts;

cleaning up after friends dirtied the place;

noticing a positive about them & mentioning it;

wearing my heart on my sleeve for them to see.

i know most of these things are what people would describe as my character,

& they are i suppose, i'm just consciously doing them when i'm with those i adore.

until that day when i understand who i am going to be,

& who i will love unconditionally,

i hope to give love freely to those around me.

i put my whole heart into relationships of all sorts,

& though i may drop down a little here & there,

i will be able to get back up every time knowing there is more love out there.

like this song:

& after the storm,
i run & run as the rains come.
& i look up, i look up.
on my knees & out of luck i look up.
night has always pushed up day.
you must know life to see decay.
but i won't rot, i won't rot.
not this mind & not this heart; i won't rot.
& i took you by the hand & we stood tall.
& remembered our own land; what we lived for.
there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.
get over your hill & see what you find there,
with grace in your heart & flowers in your hair.
& now i cling to what i knew.
i saw exactly what is true, but oh no more.
that's why i hold,
that's why i hold with all i have.
that's why i hold.
& i will die alone & be left there.
well, i guess i'll just go home or god knows where.
because death is just so full & man so small.
well, i'm scared of what's behind & what's before.
there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

get over your hill & see what you find there,

with grace in your heart & flowers in your heart.

& there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

& love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.

get over your hill & see what you find there,

with grace in your heart & flowers in your heart.