whoa let it shine

you know those times when 

you lie in bed preparing a long & passionate speech for someone,

in case they say something to provoke it out of you?

but when that moment comes & they opportunistically say

exactly what you've been waiting for them to say,

["hey" or "you good?"]

all thoughts of poetically describing the way you want to crawl into their arms

& burrow away from everything defying the existence of what you feel for them,

or whispers how all you want to do is touch that funny shoulder bone of theirs

once more, for old times' sake,

disappear.

so instead of saying the things you thought you were prepared to say,

all you can mutter is a believable "hey" or "yeah."

you know those moments?

they happen to me a bunch,

but not because i'm always dying to express my unrequited love,

or because am desperately consumed by my emotions.

rather because i paint a colorful world in my head.

a world modelled after the many romantic '50's & '80's movies i've seen,

where a girl like me falls in love with a guy like him.

& after all the seemingly insurmountable hardships of life & love appear to have taken their toll,

he stands outside my window with a boombox

blasting some perfect song like "in your eyes" by peter gabriel.

or he runs away from a job he hates so that he can join me on a ship to paris

because he finally realizes he loves me.

or he sings "can't take my eyes off of you" by frankie valli to me on the football stadium speakers

because he knows he screwed up & wants to win me back.

or he pretends to be some hot shot he's not just because

he knows it'll catch my favorable attention.

or as he walks away from kissing me, i want him to thrust his fist into the air

'cause he knows he's finally got me.

aside from all these romantic movies i wished shaped the love stories in my life,

there's this scene in this movie

"he's just not that into you"

that essentially defines my life.

here it is.

watch it.

because you know what?

love is great.

& even though i'm not ready for marriage or anything like that, i love love.

i love relationships & i love the way they make you feel.

i love the ability to throw myself out there,

wearing my heart on my sleeve,

& getting hurt.

i told my best guyfriend last night after he had finished telling me to

stop putting so much into my relationships & to prioritize school & work more like he does,

"you know, i put my whole heart into relationships. not just romantic ones, but friends also.

& i may get hurt by guys a lot more than you are by girls,

but at least i know that the way i feel before i get hurt

is better than any of the 'happiness' you feel in not getting hurt.

it's worth it to me."

he told me i crossed the boundary between making a statement & venting.

i'm passionate; what can i say?

haha, besides, he's used to it.

anyyywayyy

i guess what i am trying to say is that

despite my insecurities about love in life,

i know that i'll have it one day.

i'll have it & i'll love it.

even if humphrey bogart isn't the man my guy derives his relationship advice from,

even if john hughes or cameron crowe don't direct or write the script of our time together,

even if our love story is as cliche & repetitive as a taylor swift song,

i will still love it & dance around my room singing it day & night.

but for now, summertime is on its way.

whoa let it shine.

or, for those days when my lonely heart will not cease to knock on my walls,
i'll feed it this:

over, & over, & over.