love

i absolutely love this engagement video.

Emmy + Josh:  Polaroid Engagement from Nathan Pickett on Vimeo.

i think it would be cool to go into wedding videography.

"prufrock is like my mantra"

i just saw this movie:

& i loved it;

definitely a new favorite.

naturally,

it's reinforced my dream of paris

& its romance & magic.
but it also made me realize that my dream of paris
could not be satiated by simply living in paris.
i must be one who works
to make my dreams my realities.
just as life in a different era could not be more satisfying
than life in the present.
(which is what the protagonist in this movie struggles with thinking.)
i love it.

a few of my favorite quotes from this movie include:
"that's what the present is.
it's a little unsatisfying because life is unsatisfying."

"the artist's job is not to succumb to despair

but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence."

"no subject is terrible if the story is true,

if the prose is clean & honest,

& it affirms courage & grace under pressure."

"you'll never be a good writer if you fear dying.  do you?"

"yeah, i do. i would say it's my greatest fear."

cognitive dissonance

"the test of a first-rate intelligence is
the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind
at the same time,
& still retain the ability to function.
one should, for example,
be able to see that things are hopeless
& yet be determined to make them otherwise."

--f. scott fitzgerald

i fall i fall i faulter

count your blessings

no drama

a simply kind text

a welcoming hug & kiss on the cheek

going to get treats with your best friend

enjoying moments in the company of happy people

talking about secret feelings with someone you trust

laughing at your silly moments

building trust & confidence

helping put away groceries

comforting the ones you love

...

it's nights like tonight that make me grateful for the human ability to

adapt & find peace in those adaptations.

the ability to confide in someone,

the ability to trust & to gain trust.

friendship is a beautiful thing.

"to laugh often & much;

to win the respect of intelligent people

& the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics

& endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty;

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better,

whether by a healthy child,

a garden patch,

or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

this is to have succeeded."

--ralph waldo emerson

fire & rain

there is no kind of pain,

like the pain of suffering love's absence,

in a cherished friendship.

temporary or not.

to feel unwanted,

or held at arms length,

by a person you know

& understand

like the back of your own hand

is inexplicable.

knowing that you made a mistake,

the sting of regret

intermingled with

your hurt pride

"am i not worth forgiving?"

"is the friendship not worth it?"

if i could just make you understand...

i'm trying...

free agency is a difficult opponent.

this is not my decision to be made.

i can only pray.

laguna 2011

this is a video my mom asked me to make

of her trip to laguna with friends.

enjoy!

days we dream about

yesterday

was one of the best birthdays

i've ever had.

(despite the fact that my two brothers

both

forgot it was my birthday.)

21 years old

i finally received a letter

sent from one of my good missionary friends

in may!

my city & colour ticket

came in the mail.

(29 days left!)
i received an unexpected & really nice gift
from an old friend.

& my loving mother gave me some

super cute clothes from california

as well as

sephora mascara & perfume!

after all the gift giving,

i spent the majority of the day

with someone who planned it all out for me.

first, we went up to alta ski resort & hiked around the slopes.

the scenery was gorgeous.

i loved it.

then we went to cafe rio for dinner.

delicious.

after dinner, i needed to visit my grandparents

to chat & pick up some gifts.

so we headed over to nana & poppy's for a nice time.

(wilford spent the majority of the time

harassing carson

in his friendly german way.)

it was to be expected.

& last but definitely not least,

we headed back to carson's to watch

not one, but two

black & white movies.

creature from the black lagoon 

(one of my classic favorites)

& carnival of souls.

honestly,

i expected nothing for my birthday

as far as friends go.

& to have a day like this,

was just what i needed.

it made me so happy.

i had the best birthday ever.

cautious hesitation

i look at the roses.

i admire them.

i would like to have one of my own,

but i've heard they don't smell that good.

i picked one once,

to see how it smelt,

but my finger was pricked by its thorn.

i have a scar where the thorn dug in.

so i'm afraid to plant a rosebush

in my garden.

not only could it prick me,

but it could die & ruin my garden.

instead, i gaze into my neighbor's

& watch.

i watch their roses blossom & bloom.

my garden is filled with beautiful flowers

like acacia,

chrysanthemums,

edelweiss,

& rhododendrons.

but no roses.

oh, how i long for those roses.

the beauty of just one rose

far surpasses the sweet scents & vibrant colors

any other flower has to present. 

yesterday,

my friend generously offered me

a rosebush seed

to plant in my garden.

excitedly, i accept the seed.

so, i gather my gardening tools

& go out to my garden.

as i kneel on the grass,

i look for a spot to plant my rosebush.

there is plenty of room everywhere i look.

in fact, my garden looks at me

rather emptily.

i hesitate.

& as i try to decide where i ought to plant my seed,

i begin to wonder if i should plant it at all.

what if it's a bad seed?

what if it dies

& spoils my beautiful garden?

i would have to build a new garden.

i look down at the seed,

& i turn it over in my hand.

it is small,

round

(it's almost like a circle),

& light brown in color.

how do i know if it's a good seed?

how do i know it won't spoil my garden?

how do i know if it will die?

all i have is the word of my friend.

i cannot hold this seed forever;

it will not last unless planted.

even then, 

it might not grow.

it might die

& i'd be left

to weed out the dead roots.

i've worked hard on my garden

& it's so beautiful,

but still...

it's empty without a rosebush.

maybe i could go to the store

& look at the rose seeds they have for me to buy.

perfectly packaged rose seeds.

no, i don't think i will.

i don't think i would like any of those seeds.

this seed is just as good as those.

i like this seed.

its imperfectly circular figure

fits comfortably in my hand

& it comes from a friend.

although,

i don't know how much this friend likes me.

they've given me a rosebush seed,

so that must mean something.

but they haven't called to see if i've planted it

or not.

maybe i should return it to them.

perhaps they have someone else

they'd rather give it to.

after all,

when i offered them

a sunflower seed,

they didn't really want it.

i have a few days to decide

what to do with this seed.

i'd love to have a rosebush

with deep red roses blossoming & blooming

all over it.

but i'm afraid to plant it,

for fear that it might not grow

& ruin my garden.

i'll sleep tonight

with one question on my mind.

which is worse?

to not plant this rosebush seed

& live with a beautiful but ultimately empty garden,

or

to plant a bad rosebush seed that destroys my garden

& leaves me to put exhausting effort into building a new one?

do you know?

i think i do,

but i don't want to admit it.

our hands gripping

this song was just shown to me.

& i'm in love with it.

the lyrics fit perfectly

to where i am in my mind.

also, the music video is pretty cool.

we're only young & naive still

we require certain skills

the mood it changes like the wind

hard to control when it begins

the bittersweet between my teeth

trying to find the in-betweens

fall back in love eventually

yeah yeah yeah yeah

can't help myself but count the flaws

claw my way out through these walls

one temporary escape

feel it start to permeate

we lie beneath the stars at night

our hands gripping each other tight

you keep my secrets hope to die

promises, swear them to the sky

the bittersweet between my teeth

trying to find the in-betweens

fall back in love eventually

yeah yeah yeah yeah

as it withers

brittle it shakes

can you whisper

as it crumbles & breaks

 as you shiver

count up all your mistakes

pair of forgivers

let go before it's too late

can you whisper 

can you whisper

can you whisper

can you whisper

the bittersweet between my teeth

trying to find the in-betweens

fall back in love eventually

yeah yeah yeah yeah

the bittersweet between my teeth

trying to find the in-betweens

fall back in love eventually

yeah yeah yeah yeah

as time goes by

lately i've been on an old movie kick.

i've watched 

sabrina (1954)

the curse of frankenstein (1957)

casablanca (1942)

 & gone with the wind (1939).

as i watch these movies,

i find myself just loving humphrey bogart,

as well as the idea of running away to paris.

"paris isn't for changing planes, it's for changing your outlook!

for throwing open the windows & letting in...

letting in la vie en rose."

"paris is for lovers.

maybe that's why i stayed only 35 minutes."

out of all these movies though,

i really loved sabrina & casablanca.

in sabrina, audrey hepburn describes to humphrey bogart

what he must do the first night he runs away to paris.

she says, 

"this is what you do on your very first day in paris.

you get yourself, not a drizze, but some honest-to-goodness rain,

& you find yourself someone really nice

& drive her through the bois de boulogne in a taxi.

the rain's very important.

that's when paris smells its sweetest.

- it's the damp chestnut trees."

now i find myself so badly wanting to

run away to paris with a lover,

& doing just that.

or at least leaving for paris,

& falling in love with someone i can't have,

like in casablanca.

"we'll always have paris."
(& oh how'd i'd just go weak at the knees if a boy ever said to me,
"here's lookin' at you, kid."
the way humphrey bogart does.)

there's something magical about paris & humphrey bogart.

it's so romantic.

thursday nights

thursday night baking

with anna & kalli

enjoy!

"lightning" the mood

tunes for beautifully rainy days.

boys trip (+ me)

lone peak hike

11,253 elevation

15 miles

2 days

so cool.

lo

a thin line of difference

compassion

com·pas·sion

 [kuhm-pash-uhn]

noun

a feeling of deep sympathy & sorrow

for another who is stricken by misfortune,

accompanied by

a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

compassion

is a choice.

it is the choice

to pick up a & comfort a child

after they have fallen

& scraped their knee.

it is the choice

to not swat at two bees

after they have flown down

& disturbed your meal.

compassion

is a feeling.

it is that feeling 

of heartbreak

when learning of a friend's recent suffering

& bringing them cookies to let them know you care.

it is that feeling

of humility

when recognizing how your actions have hurt another

& relentlessly reaching out to mend what's been torn.

compassion

is a desire.

it is the desire

to forgive those who have wronged you

in order to love them once more.

it is the desire

to enlighten those with great potential & a tender heart

in order to bring them to a clearer understanding.