cautious hesitation

i look at the roses.

i admire them.

i would like to have one of my own,

but i've heard they don't smell that good.

i picked one once,

to see how it smelt,

but my finger was pricked by its thorn.

i have a scar where the thorn dug in.

so i'm afraid to plant a rosebush

in my garden.

not only could it prick me,

but it could die & ruin my garden.

instead, i gaze into my neighbor's

& watch.

i watch their roses blossom & bloom.

my garden is filled with beautiful flowers

like acacia,

chrysanthemums,

edelweiss,

& rhododendrons.

but no roses.

oh, how i long for those roses.

the beauty of just one rose

far surpasses the sweet scents & vibrant colors

any other flower has to present. 

yesterday,

my friend generously offered me

a rosebush seed

to plant in my garden.

excitedly, i accept the seed.

so, i gather my gardening tools

& go out to my garden.

as i kneel on the grass,

i look for a spot to plant my rosebush.

there is plenty of room everywhere i look.

in fact, my garden looks at me

rather emptily.

i hesitate.

& as i try to decide where i ought to plant my seed,

i begin to wonder if i should plant it at all.

what if it's a bad seed?

what if it dies

& spoils my beautiful garden?

i would have to build a new garden.

i look down at the seed,

& i turn it over in my hand.

it is small,

round

(it's almost like a circle),

& light brown in color.

how do i know if it's a good seed?

how do i know it won't spoil my garden?

how do i know if it will die?

all i have is the word of my friend.

i cannot hold this seed forever;

it will not last unless planted.

even then, 

it might not grow.

it might die

& i'd be left

to weed out the dead roots.

i've worked hard on my garden

& it's so beautiful,

but still...

it's empty without a rosebush.

maybe i could go to the store

& look at the rose seeds they have for me to buy.

perfectly packaged rose seeds.

no, i don't think i will.

i don't think i would like any of those seeds.

this seed is just as good as those.

i like this seed.

its imperfectly circular figure

fits comfortably in my hand

& it comes from a friend.

although,

i don't know how much this friend likes me.

they've given me a rosebush seed,

so that must mean something.

but they haven't called to see if i've planted it

or not.

maybe i should return it to them.

perhaps they have someone else

they'd rather give it to.

after all,

when i offered them

a sunflower seed,

they didn't really want it.

i have a few days to decide

what to do with this seed.

i'd love to have a rosebush

with deep red roses blossoming & blooming

all over it.

but i'm afraid to plant it,

for fear that it might not grow

& ruin my garden.

i'll sleep tonight

with one question on my mind.

which is worse?

to not plant this rosebush seed

& live with a beautiful but ultimately empty garden,

or

to plant a bad rosebush seed that destroys my garden

& leaves me to put exhausting effort into building a new one?

do you know?

i think i do,

but i don't want to admit it.