heart of gold

i've never been afraid of death.

i've always felt willing to die for others,

unafraid of what death would bring.

but until today,

i never had to face death (really).

i've known people who've died,

my beloved great grandmother, velna.

but today was different.

my best friend, max, drew his last breath today.

it was his time,

but there is never a right time.

as i watched max lay there,

his golden eyes looking at me,

i was afraid.

not for him, i knew he'd be at peace.

but for me.

how would i feel?

how could i deal with it?

sitting alone in the car later today,

i was listening to neil young's beautiful song,

it's a dream.

& as i listened to the lyrics,

i realized one thing i was most afraid of;

the loss of his memory.

the loss of how it felt to go on walks with him.

the loss of how it felt to have his love.

forgetting.

i'm not afraid of death.

i'm afraid of forgetting the life once lived.

max was a good dog,

well, sort of.

he chewed up anything you left out,

ran when the front door was left open,

& showed up with other people's items in his mouth.

but as soon as you showed any sign of disappointment,

he would look at you with the most beautiful sorry eyes a dog could have.

how could you be upset with him?

yet,

despite his childish faults,

he was the best dog i could have ever asked for.

he always listened to  me.

he always loved me.

it's times like this that make you realize

that "the greatest thing in life is to love

& be loved in return."

& now,

the new year is here.

i've been trying to think of a way to keep max's memory alive,

simultaneously thinking of what my new year's resolutions could be.

one thing i have decided to do

is blog a memory of max,

once a week.

it's not much

but at least it will help me remember.

max,

i love you.

 

 

 rest in peace.